No one comes to the movies at 11 am in the morning on a Tuesday. I know this because I am now at an 11 am movie on a Tuesday. I have the whole theater to myself. Christ this is awesome. I have my own home theater system for under 6 bucks. I am so going to do this more often. Way more often.
I'm at a crossroads a bit with my youngest starting preschool and my older two in elementary school. This leaves me with two whole freaking days that I can do anything. Anything at all. Sounds great, right! A smattering of awesome sauce on a sesame seed bun of awesome.
But here's the problem. You can do anything. Let that sink in for a minute. Let that statement go through those eyeballs. Think about it. Realize what that statement means. You. Can. Do. Anything. If you think about it enough that becomes pretty damn daunting. Holy shit, anything. Anything is a lot. It's a ton. It's anything and everything and all of it. It took me a while to realize this because at first I was "Fuck yeah, anything!" Then I started making a list of things that I would do, things that I have been putting off, things that I've never had the time to do. Then I made the list. 121 things is on the list and I'm going to stop adding to it. Because now all that extra free time becomes time that is accounted for and the thought of "anything" becomes holy shit. Anything is a ton. I no longer have free time and this is what has hit me over the last 2 weeks that Bacon Hoss has been in school. Anything stretches over the horizon, reaches around the back end and just keeps going forever as it laps your initial meaning of anything. Fuck. I may have not thought this through enough.
It was Hossmom's idea that I slow down a bit, to take a little bit of stock and make time for enjoyment. I still have Bacon 5 out of 7 days and those days are active and filled with family and home. Add to that the nights that I coach sports or attend activities with my older two. The weekends get filled quickly with family things or house chores or cello or more sports or mowing or, or, or, or. It goes on almost as far as Anything does.
So here I am, trying to take advantage of doing something without the kids that has no other value than sitting in my own personal home theater system that is not in my home but might as well be because I'm about to take off my pants and hold my junk for comfort for a little bit.
I could, there is no one in here and I'm seeing a movie that is going to be bad enough that I'm pretty sure it's opening weekend is going to be it's closing weekend. I did this on purpose, I meant to see a movie like that. I wanted to see a movie that 1) No one would see with me if they had the opportunity and 2) no one would see the movie anyway besides people like me that are looking to define and refine the meaning of Anything. And the movie had to be rated R. That's really just personal preference though. And no chick flicks. That's just common sense. And let's throw some boobs in there because what's a rated R movie without a little skin?
Oh and nothing that is going to make me think, can't have that. I'm trying to avoid a lot of that on this fine Tuesday morning. So no movies that are going to make me want to quit watching football on Sundays. No "true story" movies, those are all out. I want explosions that I can enjoy in my boxer briefs with a nice handful of junk and popcorn. Just like home without a child waking up at 2 am saying "Daddy I couldn't sleep because the zombie screams coming from the T.V. are making me wet the bed."
You know what's really fun to do in an empty movie theater in the morning, besides avoiding the thought of Anything, is to do random movie quotes by yourself. I got here early so for the last 30 minutes I have been just doing a movie quote game while I read my phone. Randomly I may yell "I know!" (star wars) or "What, he says you're good looking wool." (Money Pit). Movies that I love and it turns out it's pretty damn fun and distracting to do this when you are alone in the movies.
Then I got a little "cast away" on myself because the pre-movie ads starting popping up. I started talking to them. Don't know why but it felt pretty funny there for a while. "Did you know that you can rent this entire theater out for your corporate event?"
Me: No fucking way Stacy from Cinimark Movie people. The whole thing? Jesus tap dancing Christ.
Stacy: Just ask the manager for details!
Me: Damn solid advice Stacy, damn solid.
This goes on for a while and I am bit disappointed to realize that my pants are still on but I'm holding my junk a little bit. Baby steps today, baby steps.
However, the best part of this whole experience is that I can interact with the previews.
That movie is CRAP! Why are you making that movie! Movie people don't know real people! Real people go to work and live life!
Except me of course, if I take off my pants in here I think I'll make it abundantly clear that I am not employable in any real away except as a PSA model for a poster that says "Relax in our theaters but keep your pants on" The captions will be read by Stacey.
The next trailer is based on a true story.
"Bullshit" I yell. That movie in no way based on a true story. Because any movie based on a true story leaves out all the real life stuff like nose picking, cutting people off in traffic and letting your laundry pile up so high that you have to shoo away sherpa's just trying to make a buck. No, that movie is based on an idolized "real life" where that person never leaves a brown trail in his underwear and his wife never questions her decision of why she married a man who sees movies by himself in the middle of the morning.
2 hours later the movie is over and my pants never came off and I'm a little disappointed at my lack of initiative in this department. I go outside and the sun hits hard like it normally does when you are trying to hide from the Anything. It jolts you back to reality that pretty soon you will have to confront your Anything list and the brightness of it is pretty much blinding.
Or you can just turn around and see another movie, something based on a true story this time. But with boobies.