Hipster Taxes

I was going to be a stereotype, I was going to be one of "those guys".  I was totally looking forward to it.  I have my beard and I even packed my glasses this time strictly so I could put them on and take them off in dramatic fashion.  I even had a hipster necklace on that says my son's name.  He made it for me years ago and gets a kick out of it when I wear it.  Throw a red and pink scarf on me and I would totally pull off the hipster look typing away soul scathing reviews of society at Star Bucks.  It was on like Donkey Kong.

Except for a couple of things.

First off, my impression of hipsters is that they are generally skinny people, like freaky skinny.  Skinny enough to make me wonder if they stopped developing a chest at 10 and kept that nice inverted look.  I know, I know, I'm a judgmental bastard.  But if it makes you all feel any better I judge myself just as harsh.  Wait, no I don't, I'm fucking awesome.  Anyway, I'm not skinny.  In fact I may fall into the plus sized category.  I can be described as voluptuous, big boned, not one to skip a meal, hefty, a bear for the gay community to ogle.  Yes, all straight guys assume that all gay guys want us.  But in my defense, I naturally assume all women want me to.  No they don't, I'm hefty.  Tear. 

They also wear those black glasses because they are cool and send sort of message that says "hey society, I don't need your approval!  I'm beyond your wretched ways!"  Well, the glasses I wear are pretty puny and are defiantly not cool.  They are glasses for an older gentleman who needs a little assistance to see better at night.  I have to wear them while I watch football games at night or else I can't see the score.  It's a constant reminder that I am no longer 20.  I am a hefty bear wearing prescription glasses to watch a taped football game.  Not very hipster.  And in general, I'm not down on society at all.  Truthfully, I think it's pretty awesome.  I am lucky that I get to meet a variety of people from a variety of worlds.  I love their stories, I love their backgrounds, I find it interesting that I can't pigeon hole hardly any of them.  Rough and tumble liberals?  Preposterous!  Catholics that are ok with abortion, insane!  I people watch, it's a past time for me and I think society in general is moving in the right direction.  Sometimes slower than I wished, sometimes faster.  But it's going and I'm pretty hip with it.  Not very hipster. 

Finally, when hipsters come to coffee shops they drink coffee.  Well, I freaking hate coffee but I love me some hot chocolate.  Who the hell drinks something and enjoys the bitter taste?  Apparently hipsters commenting on society and not middle aged stay at home dads doing his taxes with his wife. 

The kids are with a babysitter for the afternoon while Hossmom and I do the taxes.  I don't like doing taxes with the kids around.  When I tell my son to get the W-2 and look in box 2 he usually hands me a Sky Lander and lets me know that Lord Chaos is at our gates, at our damn gates!  By the end of the night I'm trying to keep them upstairs so we can finish the taxes but nooooo, they insist coming down every 10 minutes and asking why they are such a lousy tax deduction. 

So this year the wife and I were smart and hired a babysitter (which I fully plan to deduct as tax prep fees) and head to Star Bucks to do our taxes.  It should be simple, the wife and I are not complicated people.  It should take a couple of hours on our little tax software and boom, we are done.  Then I would stroke my beard while I blog unbelievably funny things about how attractive I am to gay people.  But it turns out that not only am I not attractive to gay people (I got no stares, not a single one!), but I'm not writing unbelievable funny things. 

No, instead of being a hefty bear hipster blogging in a coffee shopping drinking hot chocolate, I'm looking for form 1099-G, finding out that in fact that we have 2 of them and wondering why there is only one space to put both of them.  Why can't they just call form 1099-G "that form that has to do with state income taxes" instead?  Or perhaps explaining that you may have two 1099-G forms and if you do, that's ok, don't panic.  But they don't.  The tax code isn't written that way.  It's written in some form of Sanskrit so that the only sentence you can understand after reading three pages of explanations is  the one that explains that if you fuck this up, even unintentionally, you are going to owe a crap ton of money and get showerized in some high max security prison. 

Listen, just let me make this clear to any government official looking at our tax forms.  Take my money, please, dear god just take it.  Take as much as you deem fit.  I tried working things out with 1099-G but I don't think it went well.  I think that I may have had a fling with form 5498-SA and I may have gotten it pregnant.  I don't even know where 5498-SA came from, it just showed up and made some moves.  Maybe it was gay, I don't know.  All I know is that next week I'm supposed to be on Maury for some sort of audit and I'm terrified.  I want to make things right with form 1099-G but I just don't know how and now it may be to late because I just found out that 5498 -SA and me may have made form 1191.  I'm not sure but hopefully Maury can shed some light on this. 

My wife and I cranked away for three hours doing our taxes and we still didn't finish.  I certainly didn't do any writing.  The only thing I wrote was a short note explaining to my children why daddy had to go to prison and that they will have to be sold because they are lousy tax deductions. 

I wanted to fit the stereotype, I thought it would be a good experience.  To step into the shoes of someone that I am not, to live the experience but it doesn't seem possible.  I am a middle aged father of three with an over inflated ego that has to pay taxes each year while hoping that the prison shows that I've watched in the past are really a lot more dramatic than they actually are.  I look like exactly how I'm supposed to look: poofy beard, bald, slightly stressed out dad that really just wants to follow the rules and do the right thing.

Unfortunately, doing the right thing requires form 1099-C, which is most defiantly not related to form 1099-G.  Crap. 

I'm still deducting the babysitter fees though. 

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