Early to Rise

You know whats better than waking up at 9 am?  Waking up at 8 am.  If you wake up at 8 am, you can get loads of 8 am stuff done.  At 8 am you admire the new morning, perhaps step outside just to get the brisk air.  At 8 am, you can waive to your neighbors as they all begin leaving for work.  You will silently judge them as you smile at waive.  Ms. Potter over there, the house on the left, she needs to do something about those bushes in her yard.  They are ugly as shit.  You know it, she pretends not to know it and certainly your other neighbor, Mr. and Mrs. Jean know it.  At 8 am, you'll smile at them too but in the back of your head you are thinking that you once caught their 14 year old daughter making out with her boyfriend.  You did the old parental rapid light flip to make them aware that you saw the boyfriend making a strong move towards second base.  And although you haven't told Mr. and Mrs. Jean what you saw or did, at 8 am you secretly know that they owe you for saving them from a  very early teen pregnancy.  8 am is great.

But what's better than 8 am?  7 am!  That's the money time to be up.  7 am is fantastic, I love 7 am.  At 7 am you will do alot of what you do at 8 am but you'll feel more smug about it because you are up earlier unlike all these other lazy bastards.  7 am says that you are ready to start the day, you are a man of quality!  At 7 am you will think about your genius stock tips you are going to hand out today.  Are you a stock broker?  Hell no, but you got up at 7 am so your judgement must be awesome.  At 7 am you've got time for a nice long morning poo where you will also discover the best way to fold fitted sheets.  At 7 am your mind is sharp, so sharp that you are surprised that no one is calling you to ask for your advice on how best to prevent teen pregnancy.  The answer, of course, is rapidly flipping a porch light.  Getting up at 7 am practically assures you at least nominations in one of the Nobel prizes.  Which one?  Who can keep up?  If you are getting up at 7 am then your name is on the short list for most of them already, why be picky?

If 7 am is great, then getting up at 6 am is even better.  7 am people are lazy, 6 am people know how to get shit done zen style.  If you are getting up at 6 am then you are the man.  You are the leader that everyone needs even if they don't know yet.  Look at you, 6 am and you get to watch the son rise over your kingdom.  You see the light as it touches all of your domain.  You see the paperboy and you know, deep in your soul, that his whole reason for being is to serve you.  Of course, at 6 am, being the leader that you are, you remind yourself to take that paperboy and let him know that his medium is dying and that digital is the only way to go.  Because of that talk, and your leadership, that guy will enroll in college and invent a computer program that somehow cures AIDS.  How?  Who cares how.   As a 6 am leader you can't get bogged down in the details.  Your job is to motivate, plot the course for the future and give witty sayings that will end up over a cat meme one day.  6 am and the world is yours and you know how to take it.

But if getting up at 8 am is great, getting up at 7 am is greater, and 6 am is greater than that, then what's the greatest time to get out of bed?

5 am.  5 freaking am.  That's the time boys, that's the time to roll out of that nice cozy, warm, wonderful bed and put your feet on that cold, hard unforgiving floor.  You'll head outside and suddenly you'll have a vision, you'll see the world as it is.  You'll see the world that is basically a cesspool of incompetence and screw ups.  You'll see the truth, the truth I say!  You'll know that that 14 year old is getting pregnant anyway.  You'll know that that paperboy is probably a pedophile and only took the job to case the neighborhood.  You'll know that Ms. Potter sucks massive donkey balls and that those bushes are only a reflection of her dead soul.  And most importantly, you'll know that your 1 year old son isn't screaming at 5 am because he loves you.  No, that's what 9 am people think.  But you are up at 5 am, you know what it's really about.  He isn't "talking", he isn't "communicating".  You'll know that your 1 year old son hates your guts and waking up at 5 am is his long term plan to wear you down mentally and physically.  7 am people will try and rationalize this behavior, but not 5 am people.  You'll know that your 1 year old is probably already part of a satanic cult who just needs one more sacrifice to bring on the 1000 year darkness.  And at 5 am, you are about ready to cave in and let them.

At 5 am you'll bring your infant son into your room and try to get him to cuddle with you but we all know that isn't going to happen.  What's going to happen is that he is going to do his damn best to head butt you right in the freaking nose while at the same time sending a tiny toe straight to your balls.  You'll be stunned that someone that measures only 21 inches long can somehow stretch at 5 am to do those two things.  How is that even possible?  It's possible because it's 5 am, that's how.  And eventually, after days of this, you'll give it up.  You won't fight it anymore because what is the point, you aren't going back to sleep.  Sleep is for the 6 am pussys.  Your destiny is to end up on some blood encrusted alter while you curse all of humanity.  5 am is truth, it is the wool pulled back from your eyes.  It is a world that is dark and cold who's only purpose is to make you fail. 

You'll head down stairs, not even bothering to look outside, carrying your 1 year old son.  The outside sucks, you hate it, you know that it's nothing but blackness and pain.  You'll put him in his high chair, you'll give him Cheerios and Mandarin oranges.  You'll sit down in your puked smelling robe and just look at your feet.  And for every Cheerio that is flung at your head, for every orange slice that finds it's way down the back of your robe, you'll know that you deserve this destiny.  This was tailored made for you, buddy and at 5 am you won't even care.  The world can go suck a bag of dicks.

Seriously, if he gets up at 5 am again tomorrow I'm giving him up for adoption. 

No comments:

Post a Comment