The Dishwasher

"I am not starting the dishwasher with only two dishes in it!" my wife declares as she comes into bed. She is very adamant about it, saying with the inflection that also seems to dictate that I am an idiot or perhaps just not that smart. Turning on the dishwasher with only 2 plates in it indeed! She is practically accusing me of purposefully destroying the environment just because I have my silly rules. This one of course being: Hossmom turns on the dishwasher before coming to bed because I never remember because I am being too badass.

She seems to forget about this rule often and most times I let is slide. Of course I could just turn on the dishwasher myself and we could be done with this little marital discord. But if I did that I would be turning on the dishwasher AND taking out the trash. How fair is that?? That trash just isn't going to take out itself. It's not going to grow little trash legs and walk itself to the curb. And because it is my family, we produce a metric ton of trash per day. Most of the refuse is broken pieces of my life that my daughter has gotten a hold of and decided to see how far she could bend it before it breaks. Turns out, pretty far. She is curious, I just keep telling myself that.

So in reality, I'm the only one who is strong enough to take out the trash. My years of obtaining massively manly muscles is now culminating into their true purpose, lifting trash.

After lifting this trash, I am physically and emotionally drained. So much so that there is no way I can actually find the strength to push the button to start the dishwasher. Asking me to do it is like asking a boxer who just went 12 rounds if they want to go run a couple of miles for a cool down. It's a matter of health that I not start the dishwasher.

And after I take out that trash, and I see another one of my possessions that has been "curiousized" by my Little Hoss, and well, I just need some alone time. Just for a bit to say a quick goodbye to my favorite pen, my writing notebook, my wallet, my cellphone or my Xbox controller. Although in all fairness, it was my son who destroyed my Xbox controller. He wanted to see if it could survive going into the dishwasher, I recognize the irony here. And for the record, no, it did not. It turns out that plastic melts. Amazing. I think he is going to be a scientist one day.

The other morning I got up to get the kids ready for school and I was making them breakfast. I reached to get a couple of cups for the kids only to find that there were none in the cabinet. So I went to the dishwasher, which I had assumed were clean. They were not and not wanting to give my children the trots, I gave them the only clean glasses we had. Mommy and Daddy glasses, as I refer to them. I try very hard not to do this and I think the reason should be obvious.

20 minutes after I gave Little Hoss the glass she promptly knocked it off the table with her backpack thus shattering another one of my belongings. I called a priest for last rites and slowly transferred it to the trashcan, my responsibility. As you can also imagine, I gave Hossmom a decent earful about turning on the dishwasher at night.

Which brings us full circle to my wife coming to bed and practically calling me a butthole for wanting the dishwasher turned on with only two plates inside it. She is smug and is looking down on me. I repent of all my harmful ways and agree that the dishwasher shouldn't be turned on with only two dishes inside. May the lord have mercy on my non-environmental soul.

I get up the next morning and head downstairs. I stop in the kitchen and look around. I open the dishwasher to confirm what I am seeing.

Yes, there are only two dishes in the dishwasher and it shouldn't have been turned on. I will concede that point of argument to my wife.

However, the 30 dishes on the counter probably would have made a full load. She took the time to rinse them off and stack them neatly next to the dishwasher. She did not think that she should have put them actually in the dishwasher.

Woman are spiteful. I am just not sure if the world is aware of that fact. I will go take out the trash now.

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