"Hello Mr and Mrs. Hossman" Says my daughters kindergarten teacher. "Thank you for coming."
"Always a pleasure ma'am" I say in my very charming southern accent.
"As this is your daughters first parent teacher conference, let's get straight to it." she says while she opens a very big folder.
What follows is a transcript, as near as I can remember, of what was said. It may not be 100% accurate.
"Let's get right down to it Mr. Hossman, although I must admit that I am a bit surprised that you even call yourself a man. You look more like a toad to me. The nerve of some people always surprises me. Please, if you wouldn't mind, try not to stink to much during our conference as I am trying to get through alot of these today and there is only so much failure that I can stand to sniff.
Now to your daughter, I do find her pleasant to be around. She gets along well with the other children and seems to listen well. For the most part she completes her her assignments on time and does a good job. However, she does fidget a lot. It's very tough for her not to fidget with things while she should be focusing on the task at hand. Mr. Hossman, are you even listening to me? Please put down the paperclips and focus. Seriously. And your are stinking again, go home and take a shower.
As for reading, your daughter does show some advancement in this category compared to the other children but I do not attribute this to you at all. It's obvious that Mrs. Hossman is the better part of the group here and the sooner she strikes out solo the better your family will be. Your daughter tells me that you and her are reading the Wizard of Oz together which surprises me greatly, I didn't think a Neanderthal like you could read big words. I am aware of your spelling and grammar difficulties. Let me ask you Mr. Hossman, are your reading a picture book of the Wizard of Oz? Do you like pictures? Stop fidgeting and answer me, damn you. Now the main issue I have is of course some of your daughter's spelling. It has become apparent that you have taught your daughter how to spell "butt." While I am sure this is humorous to you and I am sure you were just trying to make reading and spelling fun, this is in no way appropriate. In fact, if you would come a little closer my principle has asked me to slap you very hard to knock some sense into you. I also want to point out that she spells it "but" and not the appropriate "butt" for what she means. Great job genius. You're stinking again. You reek.
As for math, your daughter does actually appear gifted in this area and is ahead of the curve. I can only assume it's because she counts the number of ways you fail everyday. It looks like you are up to 29 failures a day which I must admit, is a record when it comes to parenting. You got your wife drunk to marry you, didn't you? I will slap you again Mr. Hossman if you don't put down those paperclips. I have discussed this case with the appropriate government officials and the World Record people and we will shortly have you shot and put in the record books as the most ineffectual parent ever. We can only hope that Hossmom can gather her wits about her after your happy demise and do better on the next go around.
Finally, let's move onto your daughters motor capabilities. As you can see here on your child's report card, yes we have report cards in kindergarten, I have put the number "2" next to some of the fine motor control skills. 2 means that she is developing. Now I am required by law to tell you that this is normal and expected and not everyone can be a 3 but I think we both know that's not the case. Your daughter should be a three and its only because she has an ape for a father that she is not. Look at how many 2's I had to write there. Soak it in bucko. Cuts simple figures smoothly, 2. Copies basic shapes, 2. Prints legibly, 2. Perhaps if you spent more time trying to teach your daughter how to write and not spell things like "poo" she would actually have a shot in this world. Also, let's look at "practices self control", that's also a 2. I wonder where she gets that from, hmmmm. It's a rhetorical question jackass. Just look in the mirror. Christ you're stupid.
What I find most shocking is that your daughter sometimes lacks self confidence. I do not find this shocking in the lest as it is obvious you never encourage her to do anything. Often she will say "I can't" when asked to spell a word she is unfamiliar with. Is this what you practice at home, give up before you even try? Or does she get this when she says to you "Daddy, I can't open your Bourbon." See, I wrote it right there on your daughter's paper, "lacks self confidence." That's a permanent record. Permanent means forever. You understand that don't you? Would it help if I got you a donut?
The true bright spot to your daughter's education at the moment is that she hasn't missed a single day of school, nor has she been late. I can only assume that this is because she can't stand to be around you for much of the day. Here's your free coupon to a second rate restaurant. It's more than you deserve but I suppose even failures do something right every once in a while. Congratulations, you have the ability to open the front door to the bus. Now please get out of my sight so I can develop a strategy on how to crush your spirit."
And that is what was said to the best of my recollection at my daughter's first parent/teacher conference.