"Hello Mr and Mrs. Hossman" Says my daughters kindergarten teacher. "Thank you for coming."
"Always a pleasure ma'am" I say in my very charming southern accent.
"As this is your daughters first parent teacher conference, let's get straight to it." she says while she opens a very big folder.
What follows is a transcript, as near as I can remember, of what was said. It may not be 100% accurate.
"Mr. Hossman, it is obvious that your daughter gets her strikingly good looks from you. No disrespect to your wife of course, she's very pretty. But you, dear god, I feel almost with child just looking at you. So if you will do me the favor of not looking at me for long periods of time so that I am stunned by all that you are, we can move along a lot faster.
Let's discuss your child, Little Hoss. First off, you should know that she is the absolute best pupil I have ever had the honor to teach. She makes me a better person just by being in the same room. She is so nice that she makes Evil turn a pink rosy color and create rainbows. She listens so well that I often find that she is completed with an assignment before I am even done explaining it. She not only gets along well with the other children but they have raised her up as some sort of deity that they worship. I must admit, while shocking at first, I myself often pray to her greatness. In short, she is the best person ever born and I can only assume it's because of your superior sperm that has made her so. On behalf of the entire world and our elementary school, we sincerely thank you.
But good looks will only get you so far in this world as we are all aware. Well, probably not you Mr. Hossman. Please, don't look at me so sexingly.
Let's discuss how your child is doing in reading. According to our very strict tests that we give 5 year olds it is very clear by this point in your daughters life that she is reading at a college level. She understands words that I myself do not. She can not only create sentences with proper grammar, but construct entire fantasy worlds with deep involved plots, much like this blog. When I asked her to discuss "Run Spot Run" to me she delved into a deep psychoanalysis of a living creature that feels like it must run away all the time while never dealing with the problems it has. A fractured creature that shows deep emotional scaring. Thanks to the efforts of your daughter we have now seen this book as an elaborate work of sado-masochistic sexuality that we no longer encourage our students to read. We have had the author committed to an insane asylum for his obvious devious plans for our children. I'll be honest, I thought it was just about a dog that liked to run and we used it because the word "run" is easy to read. I stand corrected and I have begged your daughter's forgiveness. She has seen it in her wisdom to let me continue to teach the other students.
I'm sorry Mr. Hossman, I must take a break. I find myself short of breath while in your presence.
Let's move onto math. I'll be blunt, your child is a genius. Einstein looks like a infant compared to her. I have never seen a child count so easily to 29. In fact, we just asked her to count to 20 but she quickly became bored with our simple minded tests. So she counted to 29 while simultaneously coming up for the theory of a unified universe in quantum mechanics. I'll admit, I still don't understand it to much at this point but it appears that I do not exist. Her logic is so sound that I immediately went home and told all my credit card companies that I am not a person, only the belief of a person and it would be great if they just went ahead and erased all my debts. Your daughter also called on my behalf and the credit card was so convinced that she was right that they vowed to lower all interest rates to -23% so that they actually pay people each month a minimum monthly payment. It truly is amazing and world peace should come quickly as soon as she addresses the U.N.
Of course, no child is perfect and please forgive me for saying so. However, Little Hoss has a few areas that she needs to work on. She is so awesome that it is really hurting the self esteem of the other children. They realize that they can never live up to her greatness and as a result, they are starting to spontaneously combust in your daughters light. This is a problem because when the automatic sprinkler's go off they cause all the markers to run and it distorts all the A++++ that your daughter gets. I just want her to know that there not are enough +'s in the world to show her how great she is but how can she when they continually get washed away.
Other than that, it would appear that your daughter is well adjusted and the principal has asked me to take a DNA sample from you so that a race of super children can be cloned.
Thank you for coming down today and if you will excuse me, I can no longer bask in your presence as you are obviously a great father, the father of fathers, the most awesomeness dad who has ever lived. Please see yourself out."
And that is what was said to the best of my recollection, at my daughter's first parent/teacher conference.