Man's First Discovery

Man is a discoverer by nature. It is what he does. It is what defines him as a man. Man discovered fire. Man discovered the wheel. Man discovered that 11 herbs and spices applied to chicken and then deep fried in lard tastes damn, damn good.

But every man has to start somewhere. He has to make that first discovery that sets his self on the path for future discoveries. Was E=MC2 Einsteins first discovery? Was Columbus' voyage across the great unknown to what would one day called America his first exploration? Did Armstrong walk on the moon first, or did he perhaps go somewhere else to light the fire of discovery?

The irony is that, even though all these men came from different eras of time, each has the same discovery in common. The discovery of something so vastly important that it shines the light on what else can be in the world. It is the reason men explore, the reason for our inquisitive natures.

To describe what that first discovery is requires a greater mind than my own. One that is still full of wander and hope and not one that is as cluttered as mine is by wondering why there is going to and NFL lockout that will totally fuck up my fantasy football season, the league that I have played in for 18 straight fucking years that millionaires are now going to shit all over. So I will turn you over to my son, a man in the making, who himself is making that very first discovery that will bring new understanding to him. I will translate of course as I'm assuming that none of you speak minion.

Let us begin:

Dad! Dad! Guess what!

I found something, something cool! You are not going to believe this. This is better than ice cream wrapped in a Popsicle. I know, don't tell mom about those, but you've got to check this out!

So I was going potty today, like you taught me and things were going pretty well. I wasn't peeing on my pants or nothing. I was just sitting here on my special potty and enjoying some Team Umizoomie, that robot is amazing by the way, and I was peeing, right. So anyway, I get up and look down. And do you know what I saw?

I saw my penis! Where did this thing come from man, look at it! I know that I've always had one but I've never much paid attention to it. Boy was that a mistake.

Because when I saw my penis, for some reason unknown to me, I thought to myself: Self, why don't we give that a yank.

And I did.

Holy crap.

That thing is freaking awesome man! Why I ignored it so much before, I have no idea. I mean, I've always stuck my hands down there and stuff when I'm cold or tired, but I've never really yanked on that thing.


This thing is great, how come you didn't tell me about it before? So I'm standing there with my pants down, Jake and the Neverland Pirates are on now, and I was holding my junk in my hands. For some reason, I felt oddly relaxed. Well of course I wanted to see where this would go. So instead of pulling my pants up, I just dropped on the floor, butt and all! That's the ticket!

So I sat there for a little bit and things were going pretty good. I was feeling very zen, know what I mean. And I thought to myself again: Why not roll around for a little bit. So I did!

I'm rolling around, holding my junk and I don't even care what's on T.V. anymore. I'm just rolling around with my pants down and smashing my penis up. It was super cool man. I could have done that for ever. But then the dog came over and licked my butt. I didn't like that so had to go to the couch.

You would think that by now I would have pulled my pants up. But guess what?! I didn't! I just went ahead and took them straight off man! I know! How crazy is that!

So the pants are off and the dog has run away and I'm holding my junk. You still with me Dad? I'm doing this for like a good 15 minutes. Mickey is on or some such crap like that but I just don't seem to care anymore. It was a bit weird. This penis thing is pretty great but it kind of makes me stupid if I pay to much attention to it. Weird huh?

Anyway, I'm still holding my junk and now I feel like a sandwich. But I can't make a sandwich because I'm busy slapping around the old one eyed willie, no what I mean? I got stuck there for a little bit. I wanted a sandwich and some chips and something called "beer" and I don't even know what that is. But I couldn't get up. So I sat there some more. For a while more actually. I seem to have lost time.

Pretty soon I'm starting to go blind and I notice that I have to go pee again. So I get up to go pee because man would you be upset if I took a leak on the couch. The last time I thought you were going to have a stroke. So I get up to go pee and sit down again.

But get this, I sit down and this thing is staring me right in the face! WTF man! Did I break my penis Dad? It starts to freak me out, I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at this thing and it's staring right back at me. This goes on for like, 10 minutes man! I was about to cry.

But then everything just went back to normal and I could pee again. I don't know what that was all about. It was scary and it was cool at the same time.

Now let's talk about that sandwich.

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