A Halloween Skin Flick

Halloween cometh and I am excited.

As a kid we used to go to my grandparents house because she lived in the good neighborhood were we were bound to get at least on candy bar. As compared to where we lived, out in the middle of no where in bum fuck Arkansas. Our neighbors probably would have given us some chicken feed and perhaps would have let us use their outhouse.

I wish I was kidding, but sadly, I'm not.

Anyway, Halloween was a good time as a kid. I used to go as a scary Hobo, year in and year out. At the time I liked the costume because I thought I was unusual and at least original. Plus, my mom got to put on a fake beard. I thought I was making the choice to be a hobo.

As a parent, I now realize how manipulated I was. My parents encouraged me to be a hobo every year because of the money. I just threw on some of my grandfather's old clothes and put some black on my face. Didn't get much cheaper than that. As a parent myself, I can appreciate that.

Last year my boy went as Captain Kirk. I chose it for him because I knew there would come a time when he wouldn't want to listen to me any year and I thought that this would be cool. This year he is going again because I have convinced him it is a "cool spaceman". He's still gullible enough to believe me. But as a compromise, because I'm not quite as cheap as my parents, I got him a cool sword at the dollar store. Captain Kirk is so cool that he goes with any weapon of his choice, suck it. I don't want to hear the naysayers, you have no place on this blog.

Slowly as we grew up Halloween got less cool and fun though. I'm not sure what happened, but once you grow out of Halloween, it becomes just another day. I have tried to fight this for years and until I had kids, it was a losing battle.

However, year in and year out, at least I try to get into the spookiness of the season. Every year I read a scary book and watch as many scary movies as possible. I know that it is a lame attempt to capture what was in my youth, to once again live to be scared like Stephen King's IT did to me. It's getting harder and harder but at least I'm trying. Netflix is making it easier.

My book this year was called "Elsewhere", a predicable story about people who are scared of ghosts but not realizing they are ghosts. I give it a 4 out of 10 on spooky meter. Since the book crapped out though, I have been making the rounds through Netflix and again, I am becoming disappointed.

There are certain things that every horror moving must have. The first is bad acting. Luckily, this is in great supply on the trash I have been making my way through. I would highly recommend "Grave Dancers" should you be interested in this. Secondly, there has to be some sort of a twist. You know, I am your father kind of thing. I've found a couple but nothing that really has blown me away.

Finally, there needs to be some nudity. How you can make a horror film without showing some T and A is beyond me. This is the only reason as a kid I ever watched any of the Friday the 13th movies. So far, this is the one real element of horror movies that has eluded me this year and I don't get it.

Seriously, you're not classy movies people. When you show someones brains getting spattered across a truckstop bathroom, you've left the argument for "art" way behind. Come on people, these are teenagers! They demand coitus!

For example: "Teeth". This delightful little flick is about, wait for it, a girl who has teeth in her vagina. Just by the description of this film, there has to be some nudity in it, right? It's about a monster vagina, there has to be pay dirt.

Nope. Nada. You never see the monster. This isn't Jaws people, it's about a toothed vagina! Nothing.

The next movie: The Death of a Ghost Hunter was equally disappointing. There was a short bathtub scene but it was more glimpses than anything else.

Searching for skin in bad horror movies has become my white whale.

"Wicked Little Things"--a wicked little nothing.

"The Deaths of Ian Stone"--the death of my faith in horror movies.

"Survival of the Dead"--describes the audience after watching this non T and A flick.

I am beginning to think that they don't make movies like they used to, thus pushing me father and father into cranky old man mode where I talk about how they used to make "Talkies".

I hit a little pay dirt, and redemption, in a movie called "Lake Dead" which was truly one of the worst movies that I had ever seen. However, with that said, there was a very good doink session between two randy characters in the woods. Then they end up dying. This scene alone brings me back to my Nightmare on Elmstreet childhood and redeems the whole genre.

However, I am beginning to believe that I will never get to relive my Hobo wearing, outhouse visiting Halloween childhood. But I am hopeful.

Next up on the list is:

A Brush With Death: A group of cheerleaders spend the night in an abandoned farmhouse.


The Initiation of Sarah: Humiliated and rejected by the stuck up Alpha Nu Sigmas that accepted her more popular sister...............blah blah blah.

Perhaps I can find my Moby afterall.

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