The Dentist's Office

I hate the dentist. I hate the dentist as you would hate that bastard that ate the last donut. As you would hate the referee that clearly made the wrong call. As you would hate Sanjia and his goofy ass hair. I hate the dentist.

But Hossmom says that unless we want to be gumming our food by the time we are 40, we have to go. She said we could have ice cream afterward.

And to Hossmom’s credit, she picked a swank place. Normally my dentist has an address such as “behind the warehouse, next to the Chinese restaurant’s dumpster” and sharpens all his instruments using a leather strop. She was hoping that this high class establishment with it’s high class hand paraffin dips would put me at ease. My first impression was that Satan has new digs and they are quite nice.

One of the benefits that they have at this office is the ability to watch movies as they jackhammer your jaw and then ask you who’s their bitch. I’m your bitch but at least now I’m your bitch while I get to watch a little Harold and Kumar Escape Guantanimo. And I get to do this while I’m sucking down the funny gas like a pimply teen huffing spray paint from a bag. At the very least I get to watch what very well may be an unfunny movie, but I get to do it for free.

I relax in the chair when Ms. Hotty the Hygenist shows up and puts in my movie. We make some small talk, she gets lost in my eyes a little bit, and eases me back in the chair. Things are going well as she leans over to exam my mouth for what I’m assuming is it’s kissablity score when the movie starts.

I don’t know if you have seen this movie, but I would suggest that you not do it in a public place where no one knows you but everyone knows you picked it, especially the hot chick checking my molars.

Right when I think she is about to lean over and gently rest her boobies on my arm, the first scene of the movie roars into life. Maybe I was high on the gas, it’s possible, but it seemed the volume was very, very loud. And in the first scene is a man taking a massive dump on a toilet, complete with all the sound effects. I didn’t think that embarrassment would be one of the things that I would feel at a dentist’s office. I stand corrected. And to my ever loving dread, it’s really more a stall that I’m in so that these very unpleasant sounds are reverberating throughout the dentist’s office as well, all to the tune of the Bee-Gee’s that someone decided to play. Fantastic. I’m the creep with the toilet movie in stall 3.

The mood is ruined, there will be no happy ending. And since that’s that, and the gas is kicking in good and plenty, I start laughing. It’s a weird laugh as she’s got the hand mirror halfway down the throat. It just gets worse from there.

She calls in her hot friend, boom chicka boom boom, to check out my jacked up teeth. When she walks in the movie is on a scene where the term “Cock Meat Sandwhich” seems to be uttered at least 50 times and I’m like a 10 year old laughing at how 8008 spells Boobs on a calculator. I can’t help it, the gas is awesome.

I almost have tears running down my eyes, I just can’t stop. And then, to make it that much worse, is when I realize that apparently this is the “uncut” version of this movie. Normally I’m all about uncut anything, but not this movie at this particular time. As the dentist and Ms. Hotty are using their steel toe boots to correct one of my teeth, a beaver shot pops up on the screen. And not a quick one, but we are talking like 10 minutes of a close-up koochie shot, complete in high definition. And this goes on, on and on with different shots of different women. I’m watching porn. In the dentist’s office. With a hot chick judging me all the way. Again, fantastic.

Normally I like to watch my porn very late at night where there is absolutely no chance of anyone watching me.

At this point I was actually hoping that my teeth were WAY worse that I had previously thought. But no good and the hygienist actually looks around at the exact moment a very harry penis comes on the screen. Now I don’t know what to do as she looks back down at me. If she’s embarrassed there is no indication but the fire that I noticed in her eyes at our first meeting is long gone.

Finally we are done and I’m lead out to the waiting room and say bye to Ms. Hottie the Hygienist right before ,I’m assuming, she puts me on a “do not serve” list of some kind. Hossmom comes out a little later to drive me home.

We get no ice cream.