We have very strict rules in the governance of crayon use in the Hossman household. You wouldn’t think that we would need to, but we do. Sure, it doesn’t sound like an issue that you would actually have to come up with rules for but after the destruction that I have seen caused by these little tainted death sticks, I feel that it is necessary for my sanity. However, it would appear that I need to expand these rules so that everyone, and I mean everyone, understands them that comes into my house.
This last weekend I took off for a couple of hours to get a little Dad time and watch the football games at a bar with some other overworked dads. It was great as I got to watch several games without being pawed like a stripper on dollar lap dance night. I got eat my own nachos without having to stand up to do it so that no little grubby hands would pull the cheese lava to the abyss that has become my carpet. And I actually got to have a beer without anyone asking for a sip. It was awesome.
However, when I came home I was not prepared for the carnage that I saw. It would appear that Hossmom was talked in to coloring with my minions. She was further talked into letting this happen in living room, no table, and with the entire box of crayons and an entire ream of paper. Hossmom looked a little whipped. Crayons were everywhere. An entire ream of white paper was crushed and scattered to the four corners of my house like a warning to other paper products not to rebel. All my hard work, all my crayon rules—ignored and flushed away. An entire 64 count box of crayons we gone, somewhere.
When I asked what happened Hossmom said that they simply colored. I just assumed she meant they were coloring at the table when a pack of wild mongoose attacked and they were fighting for their lives with Passion Red and Indigo Blue thus fully explaining the carnage that I had witnessed. I inquired to Hossmom about the coloring rules that I had set down.
“What rules” she stated.
Ok, this is my fault. It is my fault that I didn’t fully explain the Hossman philosophy when it comes to crayons. It is my fault that I didn’t warn her that Little Hoss sneaks crayons into the most unpleasant circumstances like a drug mule getting through customs. It is my fault that I didn’t warn her of the “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” mentality that my children have when it comes to crayons. Hossmom said not to worry, that she would find all the crayons—all 64—and place them back in the box. As of this writing there are exactly 6 left in the box. To her credit though, I smashed several as I walked across the living room to sit down, thus using my 250 pound frame to smash them into the carpet
So it appears that I must spell out my crayon rules and have them written down and posted as if it was our county health certificate. Don’t hate me Hossmom, just follow the rules so that my life isn’t consumed with scrubbing walls and trying to find the best paint color to cover up Violet.
1. All coloring shall take place at the table, in a chair, with guards posted on all the towers. They have orders to take whatever action is necessary to insure that no crayons escape.
2. If you take a crayon out of the box, you must place one crayon in the box. Think of it as a hostage exchange. One of mine for one of yours and we will continue this war like civilized gentlemen.
3. The minions may have as many pieces of paper or coloring books as they want, however again, only 2 at a time. If there is a rebellion regarding this policy and a certain someone throws a fit and chunks crap on the floor—solotary confinement in the nearest corner is recommended.
4. No crayons in your nose, mouth or other orifices that a human my have. An extension of this rule—no crayons in the nose, mouth or other orifices to the person sitting next to you. I have seen what happens to good crayons that have come out the business end of a one year old and it is a sight that no man should have to bear witness to.
5. You break a crayon, you lose a crayon. If you take the crayon and snap it over your knee like Bo Jackson, then that crayon is gone forever and we will lay that brave soul to rest. The smaller the pieces are, the easier they are to smuggle on the toddler black market back up to the bedroom.
6. Crayons should not be thrown like a rock from a midevil catapult. This is not the invasion of North England and William Wallace is not your commander. Any crayon caught in flight will be banished to the box and the operator of the siege engine shall incur harsh penalties.
7. No crayon shall be sharpened like a shive. This is not San Quentin and we shall not act like a prison gang.
8. You shall not stab your brother with a crayon. Again, not San Quentin.
9. Under no circumstances are markers ever allowed in the house. Any person caught using markers shall face severe repruccisons as well as the person responsible for giving the crayons to someone who still can’t manage to understand that Tinkerbell can't fly out of the T.V. This punishment shall include giving a bath to my two year old until every mark is gone from her body, which could take hours. And if you think she won’t actually color her face or hair with markers, then obviously you have never had kids and your ego is way overinflated if you assume that you can control this. It’s like a hurricane—nature isn’t controllable so do us all a favor and don’t build your trailer park on the coast.
10. Shall I ever come home and find the crayon rules broken, I am immediately turning around and going back to the bar until such time as my demands are met.