And forget about getting anything actually done, just a hint of customer service without that blood. They are going to get that one way or another. My request was simple, but I didn’t bring the blood. I want to change cell phone carriers please.
“Sure, no problem! Let me just press some keys on this computer a bit,” the rep said to me.
“What does pressing keys do?” I asked.
“Oh, absolutely nothing! I just like the sound of it. Now, did you bring me any soul tainted blood?”
“No. I did not.”
“Hmm, well that’s not good. It looks like I can’t help you. Maybe you can call back 10 or 12 times and then we can think about helping you.”
I tried getting smart after the 4th phone call. They caught me.
“Sir. Sir! Calm down. This is only the 4th time you’ve called and we still don’t have a blood deposit. Please call back many more times before we will help you.”
My request was simple. I just need my phone unlocked so that I can switch carriers. A simple phone call, right? We are not under any contract, have had the phone long enough, no problem. Yeah, there are problems.
On the 7th call.
“Sir, your phone is already unlocked.” I could hear this person, Athena, eating children while talking to me.
“No, it’s not.” I’m checking the website now. The new phone company has checked. Nothing is unlocked.
“Sir, I’m showing that it’s unlocked.”
“It’s not unlocked!”
“Are you saying that our computer system is wrong!” I could hear Athena gulp down the limbs of the children and wash it down with the tears of a puppy. “How dare you, sir! How dare you!” Then she hung up on me. Seriously, that part is completely true, as well as the children eating bit.
I tried begging on the tenth phone call.
“Please! (sob) Please, for the love of God! Help me! Unlock my phone! (sob)”
“Are you crying? Any chance you can gather those tears into a plastic bag and mail them to me, at your expense of course.”
“Yes, yes, whatever you want. Please just unlock my phone. I want to quit the phone company. Please.”
“No.”
I took to social media. My wife posted to social media. I called again and again. I talked to supervisors. I performed satanic rituals to summon phone unlocking gods. I prayed to whoever would listen only to find out that no one was listening. I emailed the CEO. The fucking CEO. I have not gotten an answer back.
With a scratchy voice, deprived of the will to even eat a donut, I once again called after yet another email denying that my phone was unlocked while also assuring me that it was unlocked in the same sentence.
“Beth. Beth. I need your help. No one can help me Beth. Please, unlock my phone so I can switch carriers. Please Beth. I can’t go on, can’t.
“Oh, your phone is unlocked. No problem. It’s been unlocked for a whole week actually. You could have switched at anytime. Isn’t that super?” I hear Beth smile through crooked and evil teeth, the sound produced makes your heart flutter unevenly.
“What? Beth? For realsies?”
“Yup. For real. Your blood deposit went through just fine. Took a while but we got it. Thank you for your business.”
Fuck you, Beth. Fuck you.
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