"My friend isn't going to be back until the 17th," my daughter told me.
Until the 17th! Dear god, how can this be? There has to be some sort of mistake, some cruel twist of fortune that keeps her friend away that long. My first call should be to NORAD because if they can track Santa then they can track my daughter's friend. Then I will go to the store and grab friend finding supplies, most likely some sort of sausage type meat because those are usually encased in hope and we need hope right now.
There are a lot of questions to figure out here. What is the current border situation in Portugal, what is the alert level of the red army, is Cobra commander accounted for? But namely, the first question I should ask is: What the hell is my daughter talking about.
Normally I would ask my daughter a follow up on her statement. What friend honey? Do I know this friend? Does this friend know me? Has the Justice League been notified? I can't however because after my daughter dropped this cliffhanger of a question she promptly turned around and walked away.
I would say that a good 50% of my conversations with her fit this script. She will run up, drop some explosive intel, then walk away always assuming that I know what she is talking about. I rarely do.
I keep up with the comings and goings of my first born too. I know who her friends are, I've got her calendar color coded into my phone so when I open my app my face gets bathed in purple light so much that I'm only missing rhinestones and a disco ball. I know her teachers, I read the books she does so we can talk about them, I attend every practice that she has. So I suppose it's only natural that she think I know the conclusion about any social information that she tells me. However, it is very difficult to keep up with the mind of an 11-year-old.
"Jessie has very pretty hair," or "I got 3 squares" I have no idea what the significance of 3 squares are and apparently she has a friend named Jessie with very pretty hair. Unless of course, she has a friend who has a dog and the dog has very pretty hair, that is also a very likely scenario. Perhaps 3 squares refer to the number of meals she has had today. Yes, that's probably it. My daughter has had three solid squares today just like a 1930's drifter explaining his most joyous moment.
I deal with this daily. With my son, who is 9, it is a bit easier. His random statements usually have to do with some fact that he learned today. Something like "The sun is bigger than Jupiter but it's still a star and there are a lot of bigger stars in the universe." That I can deal with. It's a bit harder with my daughter. It's almost like I turned to a page in a random novel and read the very middle sentence and then closed the book.
I don't even get any time to make any dad jokes and that is a bit hurtful. Dad's get sustenance from dad jokes and when one goes unsaid, our power diminishes ever so slightly. Perhaps this is the plan for preteen girls everywhere. By the time she reaches 18, I'll be nothing but a powerless old man that can't tell her what to do, she loves Chet and she's going to help him with his band! She'll turn aroun and march off with purpose and conviction, I'll call after her with my hand in the air and I'll say "So you're going to be an aid to his band, or would you say you were going to be a band-aid!"
Everything is way funnier in my head.