A Pot, A Burner and a Pound of Butter
The handle of my pot will get to hot because almost the entire length of it is over the burner. I have accepted this, it is a causality of war. I've already got a pound of butter out to sooth my skin. I know that you are not supposed to use butter on burns either but I am planning to. I have to. At this point, there is no choice.
Let me explain marriage to some of you. Now, I don't hold out myself as any kind of expert on many subjects. I have been with my wife for about 20 years, married for almost 15 now I suppose. I have had kids for 8. I feel that I have no real expertise to pass on to you. But that hasn't stopped lesser men than me so come closer to the screen and I'll pass on my knowledge.
Many people will say that marriage is an equal partnership. Some may say that it is unconditional love. It's support in tough times and it enhances the good times. Those people have never been married. Go away you single people.
No, marriage is about not doing things that your wife will remember 10 years from now. Marriage is about limiting that ammo for when she needs it. Say you get into an argument with your wife. It happens, even to funny people like me. Side note: Hossmom does not like my jokes when we argue and it just makes her more mad. I know this and yet I continue to do it. You'll understand why later.
Marriage is about not giving her and her elephant memory a chance to store up so much about past personal screw ups that she will use them against you when you are discussing American foreign policy. You'll make the point that perhaps she is wrong, so wrong in fact that Teddy Roosevelt just dug himself out of his grave and is at the front door to chastise her. And then boom, from left field, she brings up the time you told jokes during an argument when you guys were dating and it made her cry because she didn't think you cared enough about her. Then all of a sudden you are no longer talking about American foreign policy and the excellent points you made. You are apologizing for something you did when you were 24. Argument over because you'll feel so bad that you just can't continue because she's getting the sniffles even thinking about it. She's right by virtue of past guilt and your idiot 24 year old self.
This is why I don't argue much with my wife. I have no desire to be reminded of the mistakes that I have made over the last 20 years. And yet, she knows this and does not change the tactic. It remains.
Feminism, it can be to extreme. What, I used a small pot 5 years ago and burnt my hand and you thought I was going to drop the pot and boil the baby with it. Yes, you are right, feminism extremo is fantasitco.
Should the kids go to your old summer camp somewhere up in the northeast. That's dumb, why would we pay all that for a place you barely remember. But yes, I did once leave the oven on and therefore I was intentionally trying to burn down the house and I must hate my family. That means the kids will go to summer camp.
You shouldn't buy 12 shoes to see how they look at home and then just keep one pair. Wait a minute, I forgot the fact, and thank you for reminding me, that for a short period in high school I wore shoes that were made out of plastic. You should buy 20 shoes.
This is known to all long time married men. This is relationship fact. The result is though that your carefree days are over. Every thing you do you second guess yourself on. Normal every day tasks beg the question: is this going to haunt me when I'm 62 and talking about retirement? What, I once spent 20 dollars on a beer in Mexico because the guy just walked off and I thought he was getting me change but didn't? Why of course we should invest in the high risk start up at our age, what have we got to lose!
So what happens though is that all this gets pent up inside you, that ain't good. The only pain you should be carrying around inside is when your team didn't make the playoffs because of a missed field goal that they have hit 500 freaking times inside the 10. Stupid Philly. That's the kind of pain that a man carries around with him forever.
You have to find a way to do the stupid, to let it out without her knowing so that one day you can actually win an argument with her.
So when she's not home you put the very small pot on the very large burner and get the butter out. You know exactly what you are doing, you have it all planned out. You'll explain the bandage on your hand as a soldering accident. She won't know the difference because she doesn't know that a soldering iron can't grill your entire palm and that the scar will be in an odd handle shape. This is also why you keep her out of the garage. Take notes fellas, I'm laying down gold.
You have to take the small pains so that one day she will say "Hossman, that's an excellent point. I have never thought of it that way. I am very turned on by the size of your brain power. Make love to me."
Would honesty work better? Probably but you'll never get that far before she reminds you that one time in college you paid a guy to electrocute you using a car battery.
Posted by Team Hossman