A Corn Dog Stick In The Bathroom
Let's try that again.
There is a god damn corn dog stick on the sink the bathroom.
I have no idea why. I have no idea where it came from. I have no idea how long it has been there. I have no idea why someone would even bring it in to the bathroom. I have no idea who would bring a corn dog stick into the bathroom.
Wait, yes I do. One of my three blessings. That's what you call them as a parent when you are trying to figure them out when they screw up. What you want to say is "One of my three jackholes that somehow sprang forth from my loins and who apparently can't figure out that a corn dog stick does not go in the guest bathroom sink." My blessings. That spend my money. Blessings that leave corn dog sticks in the bathroom.
As I'm picking it up I am running through the scenario's that may have occurred to make this happen.
Let's start with myself. I love corn dogs. America's meat wrapped in America's blanket. Who wouldn't like this healthy dose of capitalism and free market. It's the parts of a pig,cow, leprechaun that couldn't be sold as is. It's the left overs. It's smashed and grinded until it comes out looking like a cylinder of meat. Of all the meats, cylinders are the best. And because of it's pleasing shape, who wouldn't automatically forget that it comes from horse ass? That is some grade A level marketing right there. I also like to visit the bathroom. It's almost a hobby with me. So it is entirely in the realm of possibility that without my knowledge, I visited the bathroom while eating a corn dog that I made specifically for the bathroom visit. Multi-tasking. That certainly sounds like me, I'm a multi kind of guy. I'm typing this at the same time that I am looking at it, versatile I am. However, it couldn't be me because when I go to the bathroom now Bacon Hoss loves to follow me in. He also loves corn dogs and would want a bite. I of course wouldn't give him a bite because this is my corn dog, not his corn dog. He would then grab the corn dog and throw it in the toilet because that is just the kind of guy he is. He would also throw the stick in there as well ensuring that at some point in time I would have to fish it out. So by the process of logic, I can assume that it was neither myself or Bacon Hoss that left the corn dog stick in the guest bathroom. Mainly because I am a fucking adult and he is a fucking revengeful prick.
Little Hoss could certainly be the culprit in this case. Without a doubt this is something she would do. With her last pair of shoes, she left one outside. In the snow. I couldn't find it. I have no idea where it is. She came in and she had one shoe. I asked her where the other shoe was. "Ummmmmm" She's 8. What do you mean ummmmm. You had two shoes. Went outside. Now you have one shoe. Why did you take it off. Why is your foot wet. Aren't you cold? Ummmmm. So it is possible that she was eating a corn dog and decided to go look at in the mirror. Then she wanted to see what it looked like when she was eating the corn dog. She became very fascinated with this and continued to eat the corn dog while she watched herself in the mirror. However, at the end of eating the corn dog she remember that she might have left her shoe outside and went to go get it while leaving the corn dog stick on the sink. Although this story is fictional it has the ring of truth to it.
Let's get to my first born son. I don't even have to try very hard on this one. I love my boy but Jesus, kid is forgetful and easily distracted. He would be eating a corn dog at the table. He would then get up because he would have thought he saw the magical King Jeep the Fairy flying through the living room. Still carrying his corn dog, Bubba Hoss would have gone looking for King Jeep the Fairy. He wouldn't find him because King Jeep is a fast bastard. Did he go into the bathroom? Probably. And there my son would follow while still eating his corn dog. He would have looked around alot. He would have checked behind the toilet and he would have looked under the hand towels. Then he would have looked into the mirror. He would see his reflection and noticed that he was King Jeep the whole time! Crazy! He would have then put his corn dog stick on the sink as he has now decided King Jeep needs a sword. The swords are in the playroom, the corn dog stick is not. This is a very, very real possibility of what may have occurred. I wish I were kidding.
Three scenario's, three possibilities. I left out Hossmom but that was on propose. She hates corn dogs. I don't know why. She hates corn dogs and America, it's very sad. She doesn't like them because I don't buy the all beef ones. I tell her that she gets enough of that in the bedroom, wink wink. She hasn't stopped laughing yet. True love.
Look, I don't know who left the corn dog stick in the bathroom and I wish I could say that this is a rare occurrence. It is not. I find stuff like this all day every day. It's weird when you are walking through the house and notice on the floor is a bowl of cereal. You have no idea how it came there or where you were at when this happened. You eat every meal with the kids and they all put there dishes in sink, as required. But somehow, when you're not looking, shit like this happens. Somehow "put this in the sink" gets translated into kids speak a "put this bowl of cereal in the middle of the hallway."
I'll give the lecture again because it's the only thing I know to do. I'll save the corn dog stick, hold it up like I found the Holy Grail and ask who the prepatator is. Everyone will point at Bacon Hoss because he can't talk yet. Bacon Hoss will look at me then throw a banana my way. The banana will ricochet off my head and somehow land up in my bed. Tomorrow I will find it and wonder how and why a banana slice is in my bed.
Posted by Team Hossman