TV Remote

The TV remote doesn't work.  I am on this shit.

After 9 months of basically having nothing to do, now is my time.  I have sat quietly on the sidelines, sometimes wearing underwear, waiting to jump into the game.  Hossmom has carried the ball for 9 long months.  Now it's go time, the big boys have been called up.  The hospital remote for the TV isn't working and I'm about to take control.

Hossmom can't get it to work which is a pretty big deal in the hospital.  There isn't much to do when you are confined to the bed.  You can read which is a bit difficult when you have an 8 pound dependent latched onto your chest 90% of the time.  You can prank call other hospital rooms asking those patients if they left the refrigerator running but honestly that can get old after a few hours.  So it's back to our good old friend the TV and hers doesn't work.

Or I should say that it doesn't really work for her.  For me it would probably work fine.  Hossmom doesn't respect the remote.  She constantly abuses it by making it turn to stations that contain fashion shows or young people arguing.  Sometimes late at night I can hear the remote weeping and I understand.  When I finally get around to turning the channel to football or explosions I can feel it vibrate with delight in my hand.  I'm assuming the hospital remote committed suicide.

The hospital remote isn't like a normal remote.  It weighs in at a healthy 9.8 pounds which a full pound heavier than my son.  It's got about a dozen buttons that do absolutely nothing at all.  I am assuming they are just for show much like a peacocks feathers.  There are 2 buttons that actually do work, they turn the channel up and down.  There are number buttons of course but they never get used as no one knows what stations are on the hospital TV.  I believe that hospitals use no cable or dish network known to man.  There programing comes streaming in live from dimension 9.  That's why ESPN is usually found only in Spanish and right next to the movie channel that is blacked out.  There are no volume buttons because that would be silly.  The volume is controlled by a dial on the side of the remote, kind of like a walkie talkie.  It's so we can adjust the volume on the actual remote itself as the sound comes from there, not the TV.  Niner good buddy type of remote design.

The remote is also not wireless because that technology is beyond us.  I am currently typing in my room where I am not directly connected to the Internet.  I have a cordless phone next to me that I use to surf the net and look at porn.  In my wallet is a card that I use to pay for things, this card knows exactly how much money Hossmom has and how much I can use before she notices it.  It is possible for a man in space to actually read what I am typing at this moment and the NSA probably is.  But the hospital remote cannot be wireless, that is beyond our abilities.

However, as I examine the remote, I don't think this is truly the issue.  I see the remote is plugged in using a very long cord.  The cord runs the length of the bed and connects to the wall where it's plugged into some sort of extra special outlet that conforms to no other outlet I have ever seen.

The only reason for this is that now the hospital can declare this remote medical equipment and thus charge me double for it's use.  On the itemized bill it will say a "CBC Count x1008" which stands for Changing Bitching Channels 1008 times.  I will be charged for each time we change the channel.  Perhaps this remote can also read my bank account and has discovered that we cannot pay for any more channels.

Working with technology for my whole life has taught me one very important lesson.  If something doesn't work, unplug it.  Deprive it of the life giving energy it needs, make it suffer.  Let it know that you are fully in control and that if doesn't get it's act together, you will take away that energy forever.  It's a cruel game between master and servant but one that must be played.

So in attempting to fix the remote and become once again useful to Hossmom, I unplug the remote from the wall and then plug it back in again after a second or two.

I admit, I expected something to happen but I did not expect what actually did happen.

Within 5 seconds a nurse kicked in the door like she was raiding a meth house.  In one hand was a phone (cordless, interesting) and the other hand contained some medical looking equipment, probably expensive.  She seemed a tad bit out of breath, like she was running.

I stood there with the remote.

"What's wrong?!" she asked.  And she didn't ask this in the normal sweet nurse way that is trying to show you sympathy.  She asked in the way that suggested that I better give answers quickly or be given a shot of arsenic.  I just stood there with the remote.

As I was trying to formulate an answer another nurse barged in.  I would imagine that this is her back-up.  She is probably the one that was told to go around back to make sure none of the perps got out that way and finding that we hadn't, proceeding into the room.  "Whats the matter!" they say again.

I stood there with the remote, I looked at the remote and I looked at them.  I have done something but I'm not entirely sure what.  I have gained the power of summoning through some freak of nature, perhaps through radioactive mutation, and have summoned two very serious looking nurses.

I couldn't not say something, everyone was looking at me.  My wife was looking at me with the look that says, WTF man!  My son was looking at me.  Bacon Hoss doesn't have a whole lot of experience with me yet and I feel that if I continued to just sit there his impression of me would start to dwindle.  I can't have that.

"The remote doesn't work" I say very calmly and like I intended this to happen the whole time.  I have stated the reason why they were summoned and I have said in such a way in that I expect to have answers.

"I unplugged it because it didn't work.  Then I plugged it back in to see if it would work.  It still doesn't work."  I have a told a story now with a strong central character, an obstacle and a climax.  I should charge admission when I summon nurses.

The nurses look at each other but only for a second before the phone rings at both my wife's bedside table and in the nurses hand.  On the hospital itemized bill this will be shown as the "jackass fee".   The nurse answers it.

"We are fine." she says.  "He just unplugged the remote." she tells the phantom judge on the other hand.  Oddly, she sounded kind of smug from where I was sitting.

It turns out, the nurse explains, that the hospital remote also serves as the "Code Blue" button as well.  It's apparently hidden in there somewhere next to the useless channel buttons and volume control.  When the remote is unplugged it also apparently turns this button on which causes any nurse within ear shot or at the control station of dimension 9 to come running.  They then call to further add to your humiliation if you are not having a heart attack.

"The remote doesn't work" was the only thing I could think to say.

The nurses calmly ask me not to unplug anything else and that they will have maintenance come up and take a look at the remote.  Then they leave and I can hear them muttering what I assume are very unflattering things.

I turn to my wife and calmly explain that see, if you unplug it and then plug it back it, eventually it will get fixed.  I stand by my actions. 

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