"God Dammit!  The road is closed!  God Dammit!" Hossmom yells at me but I don't tell her she's yelling at me because that would just make her yell at me more.  She is calling me on the phone from about 50 yards away.  She is in her car staring at the road closed sign that is pretty much right in front of our house.  It's late, probably around 10 or so.  But she can't pull into our driveway because, you guessed it, the road is closed.

As an experienced husband and father, I've done this before, I've handled this situation before.  So I do what you are supposed to do when in this situation.  I point out something to Hossmom that is just going to piss her off more.

"Of course the road is closed" I said.  "Didn't you see the signs for the last three days?"

Yup, this is pro shit I'm doing.  You shouldn't try this at home. 

She doesn't answer right away which is how I know that she is plotting my doom.  I should have just shut up but I couldn't help myself.  They are putting in speed humps in our neighborhood and for the last three days they have had signs up saying that the roads will be closed while they do it.  I just assumed that she would know that.

"Of course I've seen the signs" you dip shit she doesn't say but I can tell she's thinking it.  I'm in her head man.  "But they were supposed to be finished by the time I came back!"  She is yelling loudly again.  I consider for a moment discussing the drying rates for freshly poured concrete but to my ever loving credit I don't say anything.  It was a close call though.

"This is stupid!" she tells me.  After being with my wife for many years, I can tell her moods with just a short conversation.  Her current tone tells me that she is pissed off and willing to crack the first person she sees in half.  For the sake of the world and humanity, that must be me.  I cannot unleash this on the rest of you.  I take one for the team, you all owe me now.

"Stay put" I tell her.  My voice is calm, the same calm that a snake charmer would speak to a deadly cobra.  Hello Mr. Cobra, you don't want to bite me, I'm your friend, please don't chomp my eyeballs.  Unfortunately, snakes sometimes do chomp eyeballs. 

"I'll come out and get the car and take it the back way and you can just walk on home."  I thought this was a brilliant idea.  It's so close to our house that it is easy for me to do.   It would take less than a minute to walk out there, get the car, allow her to go inside and jump into her pajama pants, and then take the car the back way into the neighborhood.  She will be nice and cozy inside, I will be alone with my thoughts in a short car ride and away from any possible dishes being thrown.  I am awesome.

"I can't!" she tells me.  "I've already turned around."  She sounds even more mad and I'm not sure really why.  But it is not my place to question, only to avoid the wrath.  I tell her to take the back way home then and I'll get her something to eat. 


I'll admit, I'm at a loss here.  I ask her how is it possible that she doesn't know the back way into the neighborhood.  We've been here 4 years, this should be pretty simple.  This was apparently the wrong thing to say.  She screams at me that she only has to come in the normal way and that the back way is for redneck dip shits like me who need to shower 12 times a day to get the stupid off.  I made up that last part but I feel that you can get the gist of what she said. 

The next 15 minutes I spend telling her how to get into the neighborhood the back way.  She spends the next 15 minutes taking the wrong turns and asking me how I can pass myself off as a man.  Eventually she gets home.  When she gets in the door I quickly give her a hug.  I'm an experienced fighter and I know that there at times where the best thing to do is to get in close to avoid big haymakers. 

She plops down on the couch and once again we go into the stupidity of speed humps.  Why do we need so many?  Why does it take so long?  Why are they stupid?  Why does the local construction crew suck so much cock?  This goes on for about another 15 minutes. 

"Calm down honey."  I say.  "You don't want to wake the kids."  The worse thing you can do to an upset person is to tell them to calm down.  It never works and has the exact opposite affect.  No one ever calms down.  What they do is yell even louder and start imagining how gratifying it would be to put a ice pick in your head. 

"I know you are upset honey." I try again.  Idiot comes to mind.  "Please don't yell at me."

"I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU!" she yells.  I point out the irony of her saying this while she is yelling.  I hide her phone so she cannot call a divorce lawyer. 

My mind is racing here.  I'm wondering how we ended up in a fight, how I am somehow responsible for the road closure and how I can quickly diffuse the situation.  There is an answer here, I just have to find it.  And I do. 

I do because I am an experienced husband and like I've said before, I've done this.  I know the score, I know what's up and I know how to get out of it. 

Hossmom is pregnant.  This will be our third, and our final, minion.  If you've read my blog you will know that pregnant women are not the most agreeable to be around at times.  I'll catch shit for saying it but I know it to be true.  I'm not claiming any hardship on my part mind you, but it's a fact that is undeniable.  Hormones are raging, you have to pee every 2 hours, sometimes you pee yourself and your back never stops hurting.  I get it, I know it's tough.  And as a result, husbands everywhere get the brunt of the frustration that comes out of nowhere.  Hey, we are just the guys that happen to be around when they need to vent and let the crazy out and to take the full responsibility, it is our fault that they got knocked up in the first place. 

I know all of this but I seemed to have forgotten some of it.  I know about the mood swings, the irrational anger that comes out of nowhere.  I've done this before.  And I'll have to do it again. 

I immediately agree with everything she is saying.  Fuck the speed humps!  How dare they care about children's safety!  Those bastards are all probably union and sleeping half the time.  I bet that they make a ton of money making the speed humps.  You know that they use substandard materials and pocket the rest!  You know what, I'm going to call them and demand that they immediately open that road! 

That's how you do it.  Trust me on this, there is no other way. 

I have 6 more months of this.  I am going to have to console her when the dog looks sad even though he always looks sad.  I will have to get her tissues when the "sad" commercials come on.  I will have to fight the injustice of the world like speedhumps and stupid drivers.  And I will do all of this gladly, it is my role in all of us. 

I do this to keep all of you safe, and you all owe me.  Big time.