Normally though, I do not allow Hossmom to write on the to do list. I have a good reason for this. It's because, god love her, she has no idea what's important to get done around the house first and her mind often results in tangents. I like linear thinking, straight forward directions with clear goals. Hossmom is more of the "take out the garbage and also, while you are at it, go ahead and solve world peace. Thanks honey!" As you can see, that makes no sense. It works better if on one day I take out the garbage, then clean the garage. See, I'm out there already, it just makes sense. The solving world peace thing is a complicated issue that is going to take at least a whole other day and therefore, is not related. So I won't do it and I won't allow it to go onto the list that I already made. It's my sneaky way of preventing her from ever putting anything on the list and therefore allowing me more time to nap and play video games while the kids run around naked flinging peanut butter at each other. I am an awesome parent.
There is another reason why I don't allow Hossmom to write on my list. I can't read her writing. When she's in a hurry she writes in some sort of bubble code that only her and mermaids can read. Most times I have no idea what it says. It works much better if she leaves her Mayan Pictograph writing off my list and just tell me what she would like done. This allows me to pretend that I heard her and therefore, once again ignore it. I have a very complicated system.
However, there are times when she gets the list without my knowledge and writes her gibberish down. I will then spend the entire morning trying to decipher what it means before finally just doing a random chore and hope that it was the one she wanted done. Though "cleaning gutters" sometimes gets done before "boss coming to dinner" which allows for many hilarious blogs to be written when I fuck it up.
And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm looking at my list and her alien cryptography that she left on it. It's throwing me for a loop which is good because that matches her writing. I think, and I'm really not sure, but I think I can make out an S. It could be an 8 though. And I'm thinking that there is an E right after the S, it's that or some weird bridge doodle because she does that to. Finally, it ends with an X. Maybe an X. Possibly but that just could be wishful thinking on my part.
I could be mistaken, but it appears that my wife might, maybe, have put sex on my to do list.
There are many complications to this and with my wife, there is always a deeper meaning that totally passes me by. Is she sending me a message? Do I.......do I get to have some sex soon? Or is it only after I finish my other chores on the to do list? Is it even sex that she had written down for me? It could be "soup" just as easily. There is another word in front of it and I'm not really sure what it says. It looks just like scribbles to me. Is it more of the message?
Is she saying we need to have more sex? Have we gotten to the point in our marriage where we have to schedule such a thing? Well, we are parents to two kids. This week I have 2 soccer practices, one of which I coach, 2 soccer games at complete different times, a girl scout meeting, a build a bear meeting, play group and our normal Friday adventures. I have a lot of shit going on. If you have kids, you know that it's not necessarily unheard of to schedule sexy times. Passion? Passion is when the house is clean and the only one smacking me around is a good looking lady with a broom. Sometimes I think I should write porn.
"John went into the room. All the bills were paid and he still had money left over for his hobby. The kids put themselves to bed but only after insisting on cleaning their rooms. His flip flops made the flip flop sound as he walked to the couch. His flops were covered in duck tape and he was happy that it was holding and he didn't have to buy another pair. She was on the couch, sleeping. Before she went to sleep though she gave him the remote and demanded that he watch all of the football game so that he could tell her about it when she woke up early tomorrow. John had never been so turned on in his entire life."
However, not knowing the first word of what she put on the to do list has got me a little worried, especially since now my hopes are starting to get up (ha!). It could say "No sex for you ever unless you clean the gutters and get dinner ready for my boss who is coming over early today. Entertain him for 4 hours until I get home at which point I will be to tired and you will get NO SEX".
That could be it.
She put two other things on my list but honestly, I haven't paid them much attention in the 4 hours I have been looking at it. It would appear, and I don't speak bubble, to say that I need to mail Zippos to Peter. Hmmm, that's interesting. We have no Zippos and I know no Peter. I promise you I'm not making that part up, the pun that time was unintentional. Or is this more code though?? If so, it kind of sucks (ha again) because I would expect her to be more creative than "Peter".
The next one below that says "Call a;dlkfjads;jiuothertheworhowejfr;qwejfrl;asdjkf @ adoifasdhfgpohft" Your guess is as good as mine on that one. Am I supposed to call Peter to ask if it's ok to have sex? Is Peter cool with this? Does he have to sign off on it?
Well fuck Peter. I don't care what he thinks. I'm just going to do what I think is best and interpret it the best I can. What I'm going to do is to mail Zippos to some random Peter guy in the phone book, then I'm going to call him to let him know that they have been mailed, and if I do those things there is a possibility I can have some Prom Sex(?). Sometimes, you've just got to take a shot in the dark and hope that it all works out, regardless if Peter gets his Zippos.
Posted by Team Hossman