Car Seat Covers

I know that she is going to hate them before I even buy them.  After being with one person for so long, there are certain things that you learn about them.  For example, I know that Hossmom will never, ever watch any scary horror movie unless it contains a very large prehistoric corcidile.  I have no idea why this and yet we have seen Lake Placid many, many times.  I have no idea why she will watch this one and seem to enjoy it so much, but the movie Jaws is not allowed in this house.  I know that Hossmom likes to shed her pants as soon as she gets home, many times as soon as she is through the door. The speed at which she does this makes me question if she is multidimensional.  She doesn't just change into pajama pants as much as she morphs into them.

And so, I can state with a pretty big certainty, Hossmom will probably hate them, hate them like the plague.  At first, my daughter hates them as well.  However, I point out that the skulls have wings, almost like fairies and doesn't she love fairies?  That problem is solved.

However, that still leaves the problem of my wife.  My son on the other hand, thinks they are cool.  Good god  do I love that boy sometimes.

I know that Hossmom will hate them because we do not live in the 1980's and we are not following the band Van Halen around.  She will hate them because they look like they belong in a Zroc and not in brand new minivan. She will hate them because we don't smoke pot nor do we consort like teenagers in the back of a van down by the river.  She will hate them because they are not sensible, normal, or beige.  I don't know why that woman loves beige so much.

As soon as I put them in the basket, because my mind was made up the minute I got a minivan, I knew that there would be a "discussion."  It should take about 7 hours and linger over a  3 week period.  After that 3 week period there should be another 4 months of brooding and heavy sighs every time she gets in the van with the death metal seat covers.  Finally, she will decide that my better qualities will outweigh my poor fashion decisions but she would still give a cross eyed look anytime we went anywhere as a family.  This is the way we dated.

That is the price for awesome and it is a price that must be paid.  No IOU's, no checks and no I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.  So I'll fork it over and I'll do it with a smile on my face.  I'll do it with the smile because this is my car, my first new car that is all mine.  Every time we have bought a new car, it went to the wife.  Most of it was because I knew it would make her happy.  I would take whatever she was driving and she would get the car because most of the time I didn't care.  I did start caring though when 2 years ago my AC went out, I started caring a lot then.  I've paid my dues man.  I'm 37 and damn it, this my car and if I want death metal seat covers in my car, then death metal seat covers it's going to be.

And yes, there have to be seat covers.  They have to be there because the kids have a habit of destroying things like Hurricane Katrina.  The label "unbreakable" only means that it hasn't' been fully tested in my house yet.  It wouldn't surprise me at all to learn that one day my kids grow up and learn to time travel.  By pure happenstance the first two places that they would go is to tour the Titanic and the Hindenburg, both of them would have been doing fine until my kids decided to "see what this does".  It's just in their nature.  Leave a piece of steel at my house and it may make it a while but eventually it will end up as twisted and bent as a drug whore's soul.

So the seat covers are necessary to avoid gaping holes and crayon marked upholstery.  But they are also necessary for a completely different reason.  I am a 37 year old man.  I drive a minivan, suburban white.  I take the kids to soccer practice.

Hear all that knocking on the door?  That's just all the ladies trying to get in.

Let's face it, a minivan is about as uncool as you can probably get.  My days of cruising around with the top down and my hair blowing in the wind is many, many years behind me and also many drains behind me.  The hair, it falls out while I shower.

But with death metal car seat covers?  I can make fun of the whole thing.  And by making fun of the whole thing, I can recapture some of my cool.  And yes, I swear to god that if I had extra money to really blow, I would totally do a flame job.  They totally match the skulls with wings thing I got going on.

We get home and quickly put them on. I take a picture and send it to Hossmom via Text.  That went about as I thought it would.


  1. those are nice. You should check out Saddleman Car Seat Covers if you ever want to get some nice fitting covers. Some universal fits don't fit as well, but these are legit.

  2. They are excellent. I've been imagining bright red flames on the side of my future minivan, too. Glad I'm not the only mad scientist out there.

  3. I have these lol as a 19 year old girl