What Dad Wants For Christmas

The holidays are upon us and it's time to do our gift exchange. Many of you are probably wondering what to get dad this year. Let's face it, he can be a little tough to shop for. Not because you don't know what he wants so much, but because you have no idea what an impact wrench is nor where to get it.

But maybe this year the budget is a little tight. Perhaps your spouse got laid off because a souless fast food company decided to be idiots and fuck things up. If that's the case, then let me offer you a few great gift ideas for dad this year that will be much appreciated and won't break the bank. Because the thing dad wants more than anything is a sound finicial future where he's not living on the street begging for a loan from the local crack whore.

1. Go get Dad's tire's rotated. This service is usually free or very cheap but also a massive pain in the ass. So take it upon yourself to borrow dad's car for some illegal street racing and on your way home, if you haven't lost the pink slip, stop in for 30 minutes and gets those suckers rotated. He'll love you for it.

2. If your a toddler, you may find it difficult to drive at the current moment so the tire rotation probably isn't going to work for you. But you have something better to offer. Make dad a cutsey little card. Color it, maybe draw a little flower thing on the cover because everyone loves flowers. Put your name on it so he know's it's from you. Then write this on the inside: "I promise to take my shoes off every time I kick you in the balls." Christmas morning, when he opens your present, I bet 100 bucks he breaks down crying.

3. Dora the Explorer bandaids.

4. Duct Tape. He always needs duct tape.

5. A block of cheese.

6. A tape measure. Then take the tape measure and measure the size of Daddy's biceps. Regardless of the number, say that it's huge. So huge in fact that you've never seen a number this big and demand to measure again because surely you must have messed up the first time. Then when you find out that it was correct, go around telling everyone how big and strong your dad is. Trust me, no matter what size your dad is, he will love this.

7. Postage stamps.

8. The last piece of Christmas ham, with no guilt.

9. A song and dance number. Every Dad thinks that his kids are pretty much the greatest and doing a song and dance number is about the cutest thing you could do. May I suggest that you do "My Little Buttercup" from the movie "Three Amigos."

10. Learn to repair a hole in the wall then actually show dad how good you can do it by actually fixing the hole in the wall that you may have put there.

11. The shake weight. Because it is funny.

12. A tub of Blue Star Ointment because you can never have enough of that stuff around.

13. A section of wall that you HAVE NOT colored on yet.

14. Bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. Bacon wrapped in bacon.

15. A newspaper that hasn't been read yet, or colored on, or cut up with child scissors.

16. Alf, season 1.

17. A peice of paper that states: "I vow to not get anything peirced until I move out of your house and am totally self sufficient. I also agree to never bring up things like this that you did when you were my age. I will completly ignore the hypocrasy." Sign and date said peice of paper.

18. Homemade peanut butter cookies all for him.

19. New shoelaces for the shoes that he refuses to throw away.

20. Turn on a football game (it doesn't matter which one), get him a beer, chips and salsa. Then sit and watch the game with him quietly. The entire game or until he falls asleep which should be around the second quarter.

See, buying economical gifts for Dad is easy and well worth the minimal effort you have to put into it. He'll love any of these gifts for years and years to come.

But if you do find yourself with some extra money, he might also like Call of Duty: Black Ops, currently available at anywhere you find games. I'm just saying.