Dad-Blogs

Some of you know that I have a running column over at Dad-Blogs.

Well, I have another one up for any that would like to jump over there and check it out. Click Here to see my article called "Mom Groupies." After you luagh your ass off and post a comment about how funny and great the article was, stick around and enjoy many of the other fine bloggers that have contributed their material.

Now, here is a picture of my son because he's cool.

1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die

Holy Crap a blog on Thursday. You may want to check outside your window to make sure the apocalypse isn't here. If it is then make a picnic because if you are going to go there is not better way than to go while on a picnic.

The real reason for this blog though is to introduce a little something new. I can do this because it is my blog and here I am God. Let's face it, this is the only power I have in the whole world as it is obvious that my own children don't listen to me.

After you read this, I invite you all to follow along with us.

Several Christmas's ago Uncle Bricksalesman gave my wife and I a book called 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die.

We said ok. Hossmom and I have taken up the challenge and plan to read all 1001 books mentioned in this list. Why this particular list? Because it is the list that we have. We started our quest by going through the book and marking off each one we had read to get a beginning tally.

Hossmom's Books read: 56 out of 1001
Hossman's Books read: 39 out of 1001

Of course our goal is all 1001 books. But what kind of books are on this list. Well, a little bit of everything. From pre-1700 books such as Metamorphoses, written in 2-8 ad by Ovid?, to more mordern books such as The Life of Pi, written by Yann Martel and published in 2001, to everything in between.

You may notice that Hossmom appears to be kicking my ass. That is only because the list does not include comic books or erotic literature by Penthouse. As such, I have some catching up to do and I am on it. Let's update the tally, shall we?

Hossmom's Books read: 56 our of 1001
Hossman's Books read: 42 out of 1001

Suck on that, Hossmom! That's right, I have read 3 books to her none! Book dominance, that is what I am striving for although I have no idea why but things are more fun when they are a competition and there is a touchdown dance. (insert booty shaking here)

I started with the very first book on the list: Aesop's Fables. I read this to my daughter for her night time book. There's no reason not to make this fun. And even though it was the children's version, it still counts! From there I moved on to a book called Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee and published in 1999. After reading that I wanted to kill myself but soon got over it. I have just finished 1001 Arabian Nights, which I thought was way cool, and am moving on to my next book: Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho, published in 1998. Then I am sure I will want to kill myself as well and will head back to a good old Sherlock Holmes, which is also on the list and I have never read. Then I will be one step closer to catching up with the speed reading freak that is my wife.

But there are rules, there has to be. Let's be honest, I'm not going like every book and it may be a beat down. Have you ever tried reading War and Peace? I got about 20 pages in and never looked back. So here are the rules so you can follow along:

1. You have to try and read every book.
2. If it is a children's book, that still counts. No need getting picky with 1001.
3. If you can't make it through, you get the credit if you gave it a good college try. It goes down as a score with an Astrix. Like steroids in baseball, everyone needs a legal way to cheat.
4. If you can't make it through, you have to read the cliff notes.
5. Watching the movie DOES NOT COUNT! We are purists, sort of, if you don't count the cliff notes thing. So if you have seen the movie "The Great Gatsby", it doesn't count but to be honest if you have made it through all your education and haven't been forced to read this book I'll give you credit just for your dodging abilities.

That's it, those are the rules.

Now to further help you follow along I've added something to the blog. Look to all that stuff on the right of the blog. Scroll all the way down and you will see the box where we are currently keeping track and the cover art (if I can find it) of the book I am working on. See, now we are all one big book club. On occasion I may blog about the book on a Friday if I think I have some funny in me and it's a good break from the Friday Five when I don't have squat to talk about.

But hopefully I will be inspired by some of what I read for my own stories. For example, yesterdays blog was written as a fable in the vein of 1001 Arabian Nights. I'll be honest, that one makes me laugh hard.

You will also notice that I am not keeping Hossmom's stats. That's because I want to have the ability to lie when necessary for when she is kicking my ass.

Other than that, check back often and read with us if you want to. If you want to know if a book is on the list, post a comment and I'll get back to you. Or you could just buy the book but let's face it, we are all cheap.

The LIttle Boy and His Trains

There once was a little boy that lived in a nice house with his sister and his parents. All this little boy wanted in life was his trains. You see, he loved trains more than he loved anything. He loved trains more than he loved his dogs, especially the fat one that would often step on his feet. He loved trains more than he loved peanut butter and jelly which was really easy considering that he didn’t like peanut butter and jelly that much but his sister did so they had to eat it a lot.

The problem was that he couldn’t play with his trains as much as he wanted to because his father had told him that he had to share with his sister. But he didn’t want to share. After all, they were his trains, why should he have to share? They weren’t her trains, they weren’t our trains, they were his trains. So why did he have to share anything?

But he couldn’t seem to make his father understand this. Mainly because his vocabulary was limited to words like “mine” and “poop”. And although he thought that when he screamed “mine” over and over again that they would understand, they didn’t appear to because he still had to share his trains.

One day he discovered a way to get out of sharing with his sister. All he had to do was to make her think that there was something better somewhere else and she would leave and then he could have his trains all to himself. So when his father wasn’t looking, he talked to his sister. Since they were both toddlers they could understand each other just fine as all toddlers speak and understand broken English and grunts.

“Oh exalted sister” he said. “I love playing with the trains, don’t you?”

“Yes, oh so very much my dear brother. But I love playing with you so much more.” She said.

“They are very fun” he said, leading her along.

“Yes, they are the most fun thing in the world.” She said.

“Well not, in the whole world. But they are very fun.” He said.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“There is something in father’s room that is much more fun. It’s so fun that father keeps it locked away in his closet.” He said.

“Really?” his sister asked. “Is there really something more fun than trains in father’s closet?”

“Yes there is, but I’m not sure what it is exactly as I am just a young 2 year old boy. But you are a wise 3 year old and I bet you would know what it is. It looks ever so much fun, way more fun than these silly trains.” He said.

“Well, as I am a 3 year old girl maybe I should go see what it is.”

“But only if you are brave. That shouldn’t be a problem for you because no one is as brave as you are.” He said.

Quickly his sister left and headed upstairs to their father’s room. He followed far enough behind so that she wouldn’t see him. When she went into the closet he would close it up and leave her in the dark. Then he wouldn’t have to share his trains anymore.

But his sister was much faster than he was and it was all he could do just to keep up. When he reached to top of the stairs he heard his sister scream with delight.

“Come quick!” She beckoned. “It’s so wonderful!”

What did she mean it was wonderful? There wasn’t anything in there, was there? Maybe there was. Maybe she did find something in Father’s closet that was much better than trains! Maybe it was a big train! But if it was a big train he wanted to get to it first because he didn’t want to share that with her! It was bad enough that he had to share his little trains with her and he couldn’t bear it if he had to share a big one to.

In his greed he rushed into fathers room and barreled head first into the closet. He looked quickly around for any big trains but he didn’t see any. He didn’t see any choo-choo’s, he didn’t see any train track, he didn’t even see any cool trucks. And he also didn’t see his sister.

Before he could turn around, the closet door shut behind him and he could hear his sister on the other side of the door.

“You are right” she said through the door. “There is something so much more fun than trains in father’s closet. A little brother locked in the closet IS so much better than any train!” Then she calmly turned around and left father’s room to go back and play with the trains by herself. In the end, the little boy was right. He wouldn’t have to play trains with his sister anymore.

The moral of the story is this: Please stay out of my closet because regardless of what you may think, there is actually nothing in there but my clothes and perhaps a sock or two. And no matter how many of those clothes you throw onto my bedroom floor, you will still not find a big train. That’s under the bed. Oh, and don’t screw with your sister, she will jack your shit up.

Dammit

"Dammit!" Little Hoss says. She then trys to stand up once again on the foot board of our bed. Again she can't keep her balance and falls back on the mattress. "Dammit!" She follows this routine for a good 5 minutes while the wife and I watch her. With every fall and every dammit my wife's look directed at me gets a little more mad, a little more unbelieving, and a little more judgemental.

Deer in headlights, that is my best description. At first I was just hoping that Hossmom wouldn't recognize the swear word, mark it up to a 3 year olds ramblings. After the fifth time she said it I was hoping that Hossmom would at least be proud that our daughter used it in the correct context. But after that I was hoping that I would just be allowed to build a defense as allowed by the constitution. I will be representing myself.

Several weeks ago the dumb dog went underneath the deck and wrapped it's leash around a post AND got into the mud. I was mad, as I feel anyone would be, and went to untangle her. This is an ongoing battle with me and the dog where the dog is winning and I am France. I bent over, rather quickly in my anger, to undo the leash. I did not realize that I was head level with the support beam. I nearly knocked myself unconscious and was bleeding from the head wound I suffered. I left the dog there. The kids saw me do this. I may have said "dammit" and a few other cusswords as I mopped up the blood but I really don't remember much. But if I did, I do think it is understandable given the situation.

A few days after that I was again on the deck walking up the stairs. I had just cleaned the inside of the garbage can. And to do a good job, as I am want to do as a great SAHD, I used the strongest cleaner I had, Oxyclean. It was a 5lb box of the stuff. I carried the box up the stairs, perhaps not using the proper caution, without really realizing that the stairs were wet. Without warning, my flip flops slipped, my shin came down hard and the entire 5lb opened box of Oxyclean flew into the air. The kids thought it was snow and began to try and play in it. Again, I feel that it was an appropriate use of language given the situation. Incidentally, that much Oxyclean does a fabulous job of killing grass.

I accidentally went into the women's restroom (as previously blogged)--dammit

My QB of my Alma mater threw an interception at a critical moment in the game--crap, shit, dammit dammit

My cat behead a mouse and left it on the porch where I stepped in it barefooted--gross dammit.

The kids decided to wake up at 5:30am and wanted peanut butter and jelly for breakfast--yawn, dammit, yeah ok peanut butter and jelly it is.

I bit my tongue, drawing blood, while eating salsa--thammit.

So my point is, and my defense against my wife's look, is that it could have been much, much worse. Hossmom wasn't buying this argument and as the sole member of the jury pool, I'm not liking my chances. I then begin to explain that this is a side effect of a daughter being raised by a stay at home dad. Men cuss a lot more and that this is not an issue of improper language but more of a issue of gender equality and role reversal. There should be some gender norming, that's all I'm saying. It should be considered. This argument may have worked if Little Hoss hadn't chosen that moment to start teaching her 2 year old brother the same word, which he now also likes to use.

Dammit.

The Game

Let's play a game. It's a great game that everyone will love. It's better than any game you have ever played. It's better than Light Bright and peanut butter and jelly combined! If you don't know how to play, that's ok. Just follow along and jump in when you're ready.

It's called "Let's Piss Off Dad" and it's very easy to play. The 1st one that can get me to the breaking point earns an early bedtime! Ok, On your mark! Get set! GO!

"No! Get away from me! Don't touch me!" Oh, early points for Little Hoss by throwing a fit in a public place therefore making me look like either an incompetent parent or a kidnapper. Wow, starting off with the big guns. Good try but this only gets you a time-out by the chicken coop.

Ok, what's next? Rock throwing by Bubba Hoss. A little predictable I feel but still a good effort. Come on guys, you have to do better than that. I am a seasoned veteran. It's going to take more than that.

Now that's more like it. The double walk away combined with the not listening to me. You know that this is one of my pet peeves but again, an old trick that is easily dealt with. Those things around your neck, those are called shirt collars. God put them there so that I could control you. Try to keep that in mind when you start running and don't get very far.

Let's take this show on the road. And if one of you is going to win this game then you really need to step it up. I'm only at threat level orange here.

Now this one is pretty good. Constantly interrupting me when I"m trying to talk to your mother. You know I like to talk to her in the car and your constantly asking me where we are going is great. But I especially liked the "I want Baby Asher" mantra for the last 15 minutes combined with kicking my chair. Truly well done. But you didn't think this one out that well. Your mother's in the car with me and she always steps in when I'm getting too upset. But still a good try, I like your style.

Ok, let's see where we are at. Looks like it's a pretty even game here. So a good 1st half. Go in to the locker room and have a good halftime speech and let's go have dinner. We are having chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese. I'm up for a challenge, are you?

And now we have a tongue stuck out at me by Little Hoss. She appears to have taken her game up a notch. Can you match that Bubba Hoss? Oh, refusal to eat. But wait, there's more? Throwing the plate across the table. Nice combo little guy, that's the way to go. I'm getting close to the breaking point but not just yet. Let's do some bath time.

4th quarter you two, do you have anything left in the tank? Apparently so because I like the splashing and standing up in the tub. But ignoring me when I tell you to sit down, that's just dedication! I'm getting close, so very close.

But wait! Wow, did you see that! Bubba Hoss just threw a bath time plastic bucket right across the tub and smacked Littl Hoss right in the face! And look at that screaming my Little Hoss is doing! Man, she is wanting some vengeance. Wow, what a shot. She's screaming her head off, man that had to hurt. I think we have a winner! Wait, we have to do a booth review, let's just check it out. Yup, Dad's now pissed off at everyone and has reached his breaking point! (applaud now)

I'd like to thank our two contestants for an excellent game played! Now get your two little butts out of the tub and get in the bed.

Now!

The Friday Five

5 Things That I Did This Week While You Were At Work.

5. You're worried about that deadline aren't you? And if it's not the deadline that's got you all stressed out then it's that bitch Becky in accounting. Believe it, she's out to get you. Meanwhile, we had imagination time for an hour. the kids imagined that they were having a tea party and I'm pretty sure that look the hottie gave me at the grocery store was my imagination.

4. Played patty-cake, patty-cake, let's get a beer man. Then we converted the living room into a working replica of Vegas. It's a family town you know, so this was ok. I spent 3 hours teaching my son the odds on craps and my daughter how to say "hit me". But the most important lesson of all? Tip the waitress so she doesn't water down your drinks and comes by more often. These are the lessons that will stay with them forever. On the downside, Bubba Hoss now owns the house. Turns out he's one hell of a poker player. He's now asking for the rent money.

3. the children and I had a wonderful debate about the ins and outs of the rescission and what possible implications the stimulus plan may have on the world at large. We followed that up with a lively discussion on universal health care, is it good for the country. But mostly what we did was watch the dog try and poop for a good 30 minutes with no success. I guess it's time to feed him some prunes. Maybe if he would stay out of the trashcan he wouldn't have this problem.

2. We discovered the answer to The Ultimate Question of Life and Everything. It's 42.

1. We made a Single Ladies dance video and posted it on Youtube. Unfortunately it was flagged as obscene and removed because of repeated wardrobe malfunctions. If anyone knows where they make a hefty gentleman's leotard, we would much appreciate it.

Rocky II Vs. Thomas The Train

Son, this is Rocky II. They made a lot of these but this one is still pretty good. In Rocky I , our boy Rocky lasted 15 rounds with Apollo Creed, a bad mamba jamba. You see, Rocky was just a bum, a no name that had no chance. But he had Mickey and he had heart and with that you can go a pretty long damn way. All you need is the love of a good women and a good corner man and you'll get your shot at the tittle.

"Train! I want cho-cho train!"

No, you're not listening to me here. That's Rocky, that guy with the thick speech. He's a good man and he loves his woman. He's not good at much but the one thing he can do well is fight. He has to be good at it because everyday of his life is a fight. Living in the South Side is hard son, it's real hard. And you've got to fight to make something of yourself.

"Cho-cho train! I. Want. Cho-cho train!"

Look kid, you may think that you want to watch Thomas the Train but I'm telling you, you really want to watch Rocky II with your dad. I know Thomas will teach you about being patient and doing a good job and those are all valuable lessons. And Thomas will tell you that doing a good job is reward enough. But Rocky will teach you how to claw your way out of the hole we call life. He'll teach you how to take a punch, how to come out fighting, how to keep going when you just can't anymore. He'll teach you to get up you Son of a bitch because Mickey loves ya.

"Cho-cho TRAIN! Cho-cho train! AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH."

See son, Rocky doesn't throw things at his dad when he' snot happy. What he does is he goes into a meat locker and starts pounding on a side of Angus. He tenderizes that bastard because that's the only way he knows he's going to conquer his demons. You see son, the real fight is the one you have to fight with yourself. That's where you discover if you're a man or not. That's where you find out if you have the Eye of the Tiger.

"I want my cho-cho! I want my turn! It my turn now!"

Get up off the floor son. Rocky never stays down and neither should you. He gets up and keeps going because that's the only thing that gives you self respect. It's about taking the best that your opponent has to offer and then getting back up again. It's about telling him that he ain't so bad. Get up son, I ain't heard no bell.

"No! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!"

Is Thomas going to teach you how to deal with your big sister? No, he's not. He's going to tell you to take the Black Hills route to deliver the eggs to Mr. Wilson's farm. That's what he's going to tell you, about delivering some eggs and flour and then if you put them all together maybe Thomas can tell you how to make a cake. Let's be honest here, your big sister pounds on you like you owe her lunch money. You know who she reminds me of? Drago. That's Rocky IV son. You see Drago was this big old Russian that could punch harder than anyone around. He killed Apollo Creed and so Rocky had to man up and take him on. He did it for his country son, he did it for the memory of a fallen friend. He did it for himself. We learned how to deal with loss son, and that's a pretty important lesson. The next time Little Hoss takes away your elephant, what are you going to do.

"Elephant?"

Yes son, your elephant. You need to watch Rocky with your dad so you'll know what to do when she takes away your elephant. What do you say, how about some Rocky with your dad. I can't take no more Thomas.

...............

"No"

I'll give you candy.

"No"

I'll let you punch your sister.

"No"

I'll make sure Thomas is at your next birthday party.

"No"

I'll bring Apollo Creed back from the dead in a little movie I like to call Predator.

"No"

You drive a hard bargain kid. Here, enjoy your Thomas. But remember, when you're ready for a montage of how to get into shape in the Russian wilderness, you'll know where to find me.