Daddy Goes To Far







She has one shoe off and one shoe on. Her pretty pink sock dangles in the air in front of the stroller. She's not sitting straight up because that would restrict her and she can't be restricted right now. No, she needs to lay out a little bit to increase her lung capacity. She will need the air to continue the wail that has awakened every father within 10 feet of her. She's tired, she's cranky. She wants her God Damned juice.

We told them they could do this. We told them that they just had to shake everything off and get with the program. 4 fathers and 7 kids under the age of 4. We told them that they lallygagged at the first museum. We told them that they lallygagged at the second museum. They lallygagged at the playground and at lunch. What's that make them? Lallaygaggers.

He's got a choke hold around the neck. He wants the pacifier and he doesn't have it. That other kid does, the one right in front of him. He's older and knows that he can take him. His daddy watches alot of COPS so he knows how to do the hold. Couple of minutes and bam bam, naptime and he gets the pacifier. Hold on little buddy, just a few more tugs and you won't remember a thing. Quiet down will ya, the dads are coming.

We want to see the Psychiatric Museum while we are here. Who knows when we'll be out this way again. It was an hour and a half to the firestation museum. You guys remember those cool trucks, the ones you got to climb all over. We did that for you, now do this for us. Sure, it's a little macabre but this is what SAHD's and kids do together. Would you rather be at a quilting fair? We didn't get all painted up for nothing.

Is that real water? I bet that's not real water. It kind of looks like real water. My brother says it's fake. He said Daddy told him it was a museum exhibit and that it's not real water. Hmm. Doesn't feel like real water. Feels kind of like plastic. Hey everyone, over here. Help me pull this out so we can look at it. The Dads? Oh, someone ran into a wall or something, don't worry about it. Now on the count of 3. One. Two. Three!

Lunatic Asylum number 2. That's what this place used to be called. Sure, it's probably not appropriate for 3 year olds but let's risk it anyway. See son, this is called elctro-shock therapy. Pretty brutal huh? And this over here, well that looks like some sort of isolation wheel. Weird huh? Now remember, what's the first rule about Dad's club? That's right, you don't talk about Dad's club. To mom.

Man she's running fast. Look at how fast she can go. That Popsicle and juice at lunch was just fucking fantastic. What's in that shit? Sugar? She likes her some sugar. Let's run faster! What's around this corner? Whoa! Sorry guys, didn't mean to run you over there. Don't worry, let's run and make it feel better. Oh, and screaming helps to!

Hey, everyone, come over and check this out. This is all the stuff they pulled out of some guys stomach. Look at that, how cool is that. Some guy ate all this stuff and they had to go into his stomach and get it all out. Looks pretty rusty doesn't it. How can you eat nails anyway? C'mon guys, pay attentions. We're making memories over here! The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. No I don't know what that means, I just like the way it sounds.

Where's this door go? Let's find out.

Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we should have just gone home. We've been rolling for a good 5 hours now. I don't we can make anything else. We got to cocky, to confident. They've been good all morning, but I think that was just a ruse. We've been had. I think they've wrecked the place. We're probably going to be asked to leave pretty soon. What we do today echo's an eternity.

I gotta pee. When you gotta go, you gotta go. It sure is breezy in this parking lot, I better stand next to our truck. Can't hold my pants and my junk at the same time, might as well take everything off. Man, it's bright out here to. Ahh, there it goes. Good times. What are you guys looking at? Haven't you ever seen someone take a leak on a truck tire before?

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