You may have asked yourself, at sometime in your past: Self, what exactly would happen to an Xbox wireless controller if you put it in the dishwasher.
Well, it appears, the first thing that happens is that THE GOD DAMN THING BREAKS!!!!!!!!!
Well, that’s really the last thing that happens and it doesn’t just break. It melts, especially when your 1 year old ninja like kid sneaks it under the dish carriage. And it helps that the bottom of the dishwasher is the same white color of the controller so that even when you check it, you apparently haven’t checked it close enough.
The next thing that happens is that your wife starts laughing her ass off. Yup, she thinks it funny as shit that my children destroy everything that means anything to me, slowly twisting whatever sanity I have left into a dismal shadow of it’s former self.
After that comes Dad’s unbelievable anger at anything and everything family. This culminates with me huffing up the stairs and closing the gate as fast as I can like some 10 year old that just found out his little sister broke his Castle Grayskull. But it was the only way to contain any harsh words that may have been directed at my family. Such as: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN’T YOU JUST NOT DESTROY EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. HERE’S AN IDEA, BREAK YOUR OWN SHIT AND LEAVE MY SHIT ALONE.
EVERY GOD DAMN MORNING I GET UP AND COOK YOU MONGRULS BREAKFAST, MAKE SURE YOU ARE DRESSED AND OFF TO FUN WE GO. YOU THINK I LIKE GOING TO SEE WINKY DINKY FUCKING DOO AND HIS MAGICAL LAND? FUCK NO, I HATE IT. I WANT TO KICK HIM IN HIS LITTLE BALLAS AND SCREAM AT HIM “WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME!” BUT I GO BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU KIDS HAVE FUN.
THEN WHEN WE COME HOME AND I COOK YOU LUNCH, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT MY CHOICE FOR LUNCH IS MACRONI AND CHEESE. I ONLY COOK THAT GRUEL BECAUSE YOU HEATHENS WON’T EAT ANY GOD DAMN THING ELSE. AND THEN WE SIT DOWN AND YOU WATCH YOUR DORA, OR YOUR PABLO, OR WHATEVER MIND NUMBING DUMBSHIT PIECE OF CRAP THAT HAPPENS TO CATCH YOUR FANCY. THAT’S WHAT I DO.
AND HOW AM I REPAID? YOU BREAK ALL MY SHIT. I TELL YOU WHAT, WHY DON’T YOU GO BREAK SOME OF YOUR MOM’S SHIT AND LET’S SEE HOW FUCKING FUNNY SHE THINKS THAT IS.
After all that, should your xbox controller be deep fried in the dishwasher as well, you might come downstairs. Completely calm now and hating mostly yourself because after all it was really your fault because you weren’t watching the kids enough.
And the first thing that you tell you wife is that you have to go buy a new controller. Then your wife may say that “We all need to make sacrifices with you being a stay at home parent.”
Then you have to run back up stairs before some more harsh words are said. Come down next Tuesday.